The long-standing American tradition of secret ballots has protected the privacy of voters and served as a mainstay of our democratic process. However, if you want a surefire way to identify candidates’ supporters so you know exactly which strangers to sneer at and which to give knowing looks of approval, then please continue reading. The following is a method with a guaranteed success rate of determining which people voted for which candidates in the 2016 primary. My system relies entirely on the tried and true methods of American political decision-making: overgeneralization, ad hominem attacks and entirely fictional facts and figures.
Who voted for Dr. Ben Carson?
You know your older neighbor who seems like a super nice guy each time you talk to him? And remember that one time you were watching him out of your window, and when he thought no one else was looking, he kicked his dog? That guy voted for Ben Carson.
Who voted for Sen. Ted Cruz?
Cruz’s core support lies in the demographic of other people with the first name of Ted. Ted Danson, Ted Nugent, Ted Koppel, Ted Mosby, Ted Turner, Seth MacFarlane as “Ted” and Ted Kennedy’s ghost have all pledged their support for the candidate, calling the prospect of a man named Ted in the White House “historic and unprecedented.” Cruz’s biggest supporters Ted Kaczynski and Ted Bundy share the candidate’s characteristic lack of empathy for other human lives.
Who voted for Gov. John Kasich?
Despite fierce competition from the other GOP candidates, Kasich was the only one to receive the coveted endorsement from the Coat Hanger Manufacturer’s Guild. His ability to come across as moderate despite his strongly conservative record appeals to grandfathers across the country.
Who voted for Sen. Marco Rubio?
Rubio retains strong support among Hispanic voters who value betrayal. His attempt at stylizing his name as “Ruby-Yo!” to appeal to urban voters has been dramatically less successful than his campaign expected. Rubio’s commitment to women carrying unborn children to term, even in the case of rape, has garnered robust support from Marco Rubio.
Who voted for Gov. Jeb Bush?
One vote was counted for Bush. It was Barbara Bush.
CORRECTION: Barbara Bush did not vote for her son.
Who voted for Donald Trump?
In 2008 when President Barack Obama was elected, millions of Americans started to horde ammunition in anticipation of the inevitable race war. Trump supporters are the ones who paid extra for the bullets that make people’s skulls explode. Not only do Trump supporters visit water parks entirely too often, they are the people that keep clogging up the Lazy River with their racist turds. Trump supporters are the people who continue to confuse Sikhs with Muslims. They are the people with the little American flags on their lawn, ones that were made in China. They are the people who buy Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas without irony. They are the people who account for 98 percent of all ATV-related deaths. They are going to make America great again.
Who voted for Sen. Bernie Sanders?
Sanders supporters include the girl who spent all of her last chemistry lab trying to make a bong out of an Erlenmeyer flask, the large trees and most of smaller trees living on the Lawn, Killer Mike, the armed Marxist rebels currently launching an assault on McIntire, that townie that tries to sell me honey, Toyota Priuses that have become sentient and Jed Bartlet.
Who voted for Gov. Martin O’Malley?
The one person who voted for O’Malley on Tuesday was too uninformed to realize he had already dropped out of the race. He vaguely remembered O’Malley was the basis for Councilman Tommy Carcetti on the one episode of “The Wire” that he’s seen, and voted based entirely on that.
Who voted for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton?
Anyone who is not specifically mentioned under one of the other candidates voted for Hillary. She is going to win. Right? Someone has to beat Trump. She has to win. Right, everyone? Right?
Jonah Mason Dister is a Humor writer.
Read More
Taking My Professor to the Frats
By Anna Scott | 6 days agoMy 4.0 was in jeopardy, so I had no time to waste.
No more horsing around — three easy ways to bring hype back to men’s basketball
By Owen Andrews | January 15, 2025Perhaps as time passes and fan engagement grows, hype at JPJ could soar to the lofty heights currently occupied by the Virginia Cavaliers football team.
LEAKED — Anonymous contribution of existential thoughts gifted to U.Va. philosophy
By Adair Reid | January 13, 2025A memo leaked on Friday morning from the U.Va. Corcoran Department of Philosophy reported a massive anonymous contribution of existential thoughts.
