First off, to the cleaners on Thousand Oaks Boulevard, I’m sorry I broke your clothes conveyor belt thing. I didn’t know that I shouldn’t be inside the sweater when I gave it to you guys, and although the ride around the building on the conveyor thing was fun, I shouldn’t have freaked out during the steam cleaning and ruined all of those blouses on the way to the ground. My bad.
Next up, to my manager at the Dairy Queen: I’m sorry. I didn’t know that the blizzards were the only ones you were supposed to turn upside down. You would think after the first cone I would’ve learned, but stuff happens, and I’m sorry I had to turn upside down and consequently spill every item on the menu just to make sure you were telling me the truth. I should’ve just taken your word for it.
Next, I want to apologize to John F. Kennedy. I had left a pie cooling on a windowsill in the book depository, and when I went up to get it and saw that horde of mosquitoes closing in on you, I knew I should do something. Unfortunately, I was too far away to shout, “Hey JFK, watch out for the mosquitoes,” but I did have my trusty bolt action next to me, and I opted for the next best option. In the end, it was probably a mistake. Sorry.
Which leads me into my next apology. Lee Harvey, bud, I’m sorry I framed you. I had a lot on my plate at the time, and I couldn’t really go down for what was essentially the biggest misunderstanding in history.
Following that up, I gotta apologize to my brother, Matthew. I took a stick of his once and that wasn’t cool. Sorry, man.
Oh, “cool” reminds me: Sorry, the Titanic. I was just minding my business, swimming in the North Atlantic Ocean, and I should’ve been watching where I was swimming. On the plus side, you’re welcome, James Cameron. Without me, you would not have the two highest grossing films of all time. So there’s that. But also I’m sorry about the Titanic shipwreck, not the movie.
Which leads me into my next apology. To Koko the gorilla, I’m sorry that I learned sign language just so I could tell you that Robin Williams died. It was probably super cruel to do that, but in all fairness you have to respect the effort I put into learning a whole other language just so I could relay some quick, super sad information to you.
On a different note, I’m sorry to my friend Ron who fell into Bryce Canyon because I threw a Nerf ball slightly too far and you followed it off the side of a cliff and into the canyon. I guess I didn’t really know my own strength. But now I do.
Also, to my friend Kevin Fernandez, who once accidentally kicked me in the leg when he was trying to put on his shoes: I’m sorry I filled your car with bees. It was the wrong reaction.
I guess that reminds me of something — I should apologize to Franz Ferdinand, and by extension all of Europe and the United States. I started The Black Hand as an art collective, and it kind of just snowballed from there. I wasn’t actually in charge of the group when they decided to kill the archduke, but I did introduce those guys, and I guess that means the blame falls somewhat on my shoulders.
I don’t know if I’m too late with these apologies to make a difference, but I truly hope they can mend some of the damage I’ve caused. And again, Matthew, I’m really sorry I took your stick that one time. It was super uncalled for.
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor editor for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at p.thedinga@cavalierdaily.com.
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