No seriously, I would absolutely love to take your flyer. I would be thrilled to grab that flyer right out of the air and proclaim, “Yes! A flyer! A flyer all for me!” But I can’t. I sincerely, honestly, can’t. Why can’t I? It’s simple really. It’s, uh, because, I, uh, have, uh… rubella. Yes, rubella, German measles, I have that, so I can’t touch you, or else you’ll also have rubella, and all the terrible, awful, no good very bad things that come with it.
What things exactly? Oh you know, stuff. Like, rubellishness, and a dour German sensibility. Yeah. So, watch out. Okay, so you don’t believe me, that’s fine, whatever, but I still can’t take your flyer. Why can I still not take it? Well, besides the whole “rubella thing” — no I didn’t put it in quotes, I was just copying you — besides that, I also can’t take the flyer because, I mean, my hand is super sticky. No it’s not a rubella thing, geez. I was just holding a bunch of unwrapped Jolly Ranchers and got caught in the rain, and they all melted in my hand and now my hand is covered in Jolly Rancher stick. Yes, that’s a real thing.
Yes it was, it was raining before, and you must have missed it. Why can’t I just take it with my other hand? Oh you must think you’ve got me now, huh, don’t you, don’t you you smug, smuggy guy. Whatever, you’re still smug, I wasn’t wrong. But yeah, I can’t use my other hand, mainly because, it’s, umm, perpetually a fist. Yeah, I seriously can’t make it not a fist. Try to open my hand, I bet you can’t. No, no don’t try like that, hey, come on, stop, you’re gonna hurt — okay fine it’s not a fist but it sometimes is and I don’t want to hinder that hand’s fist-making ability.
Why don’t you just put it in my pocket? Nonononono, that won’t do one bit, because none of my pockets are functional. Why do you think I was carrying all those unwrapped Jolly Ranchers in my hand? Ya doofus. Frickin’ ding dong. Why don’t you just slip it in my backpack? Buddy, if you even touch my backpack I’ll hit you with so many injunctions it’ll make your head spin. No, I’m not a lawyer. But have you seen “Suits”? Well I have, so I know a little bit about law, and it seems pretty easy, so don’t even try to touch my backpack.
Why don’t you just email me the information? What, so you can have my email address? And hack me? Uh-uh, Mr. Snowden, no way you’re getting into my private info. What even is this flyer for? What was that — oh, trying to end child hunger? Ah, I see. Well, I guess I can probably take one with my fist-making hand. Oh, you want me to hand out the flyers? I mean, yeah, I guess I could do that. Hey, you want a soggy Jolly Rancher?
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor writer.
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