1. Get arrested for indecent exposure
Remember that joke Dean of Students Allen Groves tells to all incoming classes? That the only difference between indecent exposure and streaking is pace? It always got some good laughs and many took it to heart. Soon after, as first-years lined up at the Rotunda for that traditional midnight jog, they always took special care not to go any less than three miles per hour. Did some miss a slope and shatter a knee? Yes. But they did so with the dignity and knowledge that they weren’t publicly indecent. As for the fourth-years, now is the time to do the opposite. Now is the time to be indecent. Walk — just to prove him right and give him something to talk about in his next speech.
2. Do a Corner Crawl
I’m not sure if this refers to food or booze. They both sound like tremendous ideas as the Corner provides copious amounts of both. Perhaps you should spend a day testing the different restaurants followed by a night of bars? Aggressive, but definitely a good time. That, or drink first and enjoy a drunken Gus Burger. The holy grail of drunk food, the Gus Burger proves anything tastes good when topped with an egg and eaten while intoxicated. If the Gus Burger doesn’t satisfy you, I can think of nothing better than late-night Qdoba.
3. Have brunch at The Pigeon Hole and then drinks at The Hole
Now that it’s possible, why not? The Pigeon Hole always serves great food, and I’ve heard absolutely nothing about The Hole so there’s the possibility that it could be a good time. A workable inverse of this is to spend the night at The Hole, sleep wherever and enjoy a lovely brunch while hungover at The Pigeon Hole. Egg never tastes better than when your head is throbbing and you’re not sure if you’re going to puke. Nothing wraps up a night out better than the struggle to keep down all of the delicious food you just ate.
4. Host Friendsgiving
Finally the dilemma of being able to “pick your friends but not your family” has been rendered moot. Even if you don’t usually go all out for Thanksgiving, you can’t miss this American holiday when celebrated exclusively with friends. So what if the turkey is underdone and most likely not safe to eat? So what if no one actually knows how to cook and your microwave is getting more use than ever? Friendsgiving is a peaceful holiday with a distinct lack of family squabble. There will be no snide remarks or bickering over the pumpkin pie — only a happy memory of contentment to get you through actual Thanksgiving.
5. Bring a puppy to Puppies and Pumpkins
This recurring autumn disappointment always manages to draw in naive first-years that believe there will actually be puppies. I still remember my first year letdown when I discovered the distinct lack of canines at this misleadingly titled event. So now I call on all pet owners to make Puppies and Pumpkins worth going to. If University Programs Council will not supply suspiciously attained puppies, then you must bring your own. Will you be mobbed? Yes. But you will do so knowing that your dog has made the lives of over-stressed students that much better.
6. Hide a pet
Not many dorms or apartments allow pets, and even less students abide by this rule. But it’s cute that Charlottesville housing tries. It’s not uncommon to be strolling around Lambeth only to see a cat creepily staring at you from a window. At this point it’s almost tradition, and anyone not illegally harboring a fugitive pet has clearly missed the memo. Some play it safe with a fish, others are more daring with a cat. However, if you really want to test the rules, be that person who blatantly walks their dog in front of the building. I always respect them from a distance, through my window, as I dial the landlord, because I’ve stepped in dog crap one too many times.
7. Eat mac-n-cheese at The Virginian
The first meal ever recommended to me on the Corner was mac-n-cheese at The Virginian. “It has hash browns on top!” they said. “It’s amazing!” they said. They were right. I never thought the hash brown/mac-n-cheese combo would work. Now I eat my words — along with a hearty helping of mac-n-cheese. On a side note, this all-pasta diet has done me no favors and I may need to drag myself to a gym. Can anyone describe to me the application and function of an “elliptical”?
8. Make your own Halloween costume
For some reason it’s “trying too hard” to just buy a costume. Others say it’s too much money — keep in mind they probably end up spending more money on all the individual parts of their homemade costume. I don’t understand these excuses. The issue of store-bought costumes being too scandalous, however, I understand completely. I once worked at Party City, and after a “naughty nun” costume was put on the shelves, I realized this was the beginning of the end for our society. Either way, making a costume is a long-time tradition here at the University that no one should miss out on. The “punny” costumes are always a hit. The only one I can think of at the moment is a “smarty-pants” — a.k.a. a person who glued Smarties to their pants.
9. Eat at the dumpling cart
I have no idea why this isn’t already on the list. My hope is I simply missed it while quickly skimming and processing nothing. The dumpling cart is such a popular choice among students that it should be part of the list on principle. Students wait in lines of up to 70 people and yet it’s not even the top 100? Really? I buy dumplings even if my bank account is completely empty and my credit card basically has a flashing sign above it that reads, “Don’t even think about it.”
10. Invite T-Sully to dinner
It turns out that this has been done and she has, in fact, shown up. Invite a professor to lunch on the list? Well now it’s time to step up your inviting-superiors-to-eat game. In fact, invite her to a family Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Invite her to your third cousin’s wedding. You have to do these things to outshine the student dinners she has already attended. I was told that one dinner actually had place cards. Place cards. The epitome of fine dining. The bar has been set, so you better do a good job and make her feel special.
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