I will admit it is easy to put a vampire costume together. All I needed was a slinky black dress, a cape and fake teeth. And I didn’t even wear the fake teeth because they were uncomfortable and they made me sound like a nerd. That’s also why I stopped wearing my retainer four years ago. My orthodontist is so disappointed in me.
But even though it was a low-commitment costume, I truly felt like a vampire on Friday. I decided to call myself “Esmeralda.” Then I started to think about who Esmeralda is. Where does she come from? What is her primary objective? What is her favorite Netflix original series? Is “Esmeralda” her real name or did she take that name when she became a vampire? Does she drink the blood of humans? Is she funny?
Before we left for Halloween festivities, my boyfriend and I sat down and created an elaborate backstory for this character. And since nobody asked me about it on Friday, I would like to share it with you now.
My name is Esmeralda Von Trapp. No relation to the Von Trapp family singers. I was born to Franz and Adela Von Trapp in Kalisz, Poland, on May 4, 1863. When Poland officially became a part of the Russian Empire in 1867, my father was exiled because of his allegiance to the Polish resistance. We lived in Germany for one year and then fled to the United States.
Stay with me. These details may seem useless, but I know what I’m doing. I want to bring the character of Esmeralda to life. I need to understand her fully so I can get into her head. Only then can I become her. I am Heath Ledger. Esmeralda is my Joker.
I was raised in New York City. At the age of 18, I received a letter from a cousin who worked at Somerleyton Hall, one of the most important estates in England at the time. She told me I could work there as a kitchen maid if I could pay my way across the Atlantic. Two years later, I finally had enough to make the trip. By that time, the estate had a new owner and no open positions. My cousin died in a mysterious horse accident. Why? Intrigue, of course.
Now things get really juicy. I had no job and no money to get back to the United States. I was able to find work at a textile factory in London for three years but then I was fired unjustly, leaving me with no choice but to sell my teeth and hair. I became a prostitute in order to support myself. I contracted tuberculosis.
I realize that “Les Miserables” inspired a lot of that last part. I never said it was a completely original story. Actually, nothing about her is original. I named a vampire “Esmeralda.” That’s like naming a dog “Fido.”
The year was 1888. I was taking a stroll in the Whitechapel district at twilight, feeling great despite the tuberculosis. Suddenly, I noticed a man following me in the shadows. Who was he? A dissatisfied customer? A patrolling officer? The horse that attacked my late cousin?
It was none other than Jack the Ripper. He lunged at me and bit my neck, turning me into the beautiful vampire that stands before you. Yeah, okay, I know it doesn’t make sense that Jack the Ripper was a vampire because he didn’t bite his other victims. I know he mutilated them. I get your point. Just like, stop ruining my awesome story, okay?
So there you have it. The tale of Esmeralda Von Trapp. For the record, we created an equally intricate vampire backstory for my boyfriend but it is actually too extensive to include in this article. His name was Vincent. He was an American inventor smuggling classified documents to London. In hindsight, his character was a lot more successful than mine.
When we arrived at our first party, we were fully prepared to field questions about our costumes. But here’s the thing — if you’re dressed as a vampire on Halloween, people just assume you’re either a generic vampire or Dracula. That’s understandable, but I thought somebody should hear this story. It’s something you can really… sink your teeth into.
Nancy-Wren Bradshaw is a Humor editor.
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