Nov. 9, 2016 8 a.m.: Today will be my first day back in civilization in six years. Since the day I graduated from college, I have been living on my own in the wilderness. I have travelled across this country many times over. For that reason, I am very tired. SO tired. Who would ever want to do such a thing like that? I would, after a night of getting super high off some real primo bud.
I was very much into the idea of sleeping on the ground, probably because I had never slept on the ground. Let me tell you: it sucks. And yet I did it for six whole years. If I didn’t like it from the beginning, then why did I stick it out for so long? Well, let me tell you. After about the third day hiking through the forests of Kentucky, I got very lost. Just incredibly, nonsensically lost. And, having an incredible sense of pride, I never felt compelled to ask anybody where I was or if they could give me help. So I did it on my own.
I ate mostly berries (it sucked), I slept on rocks (also sucked) and sometimes I was able to catch a wild rabbit and cook it over a small fire (too stringy, always got stuck in my teeth). But I did do some things I was proud of. I had no phone, no Internet for the entire time, so I remained oblivious to all things that have gone on since 2010. That seems pretty impressive to me.
Having a sense of freedom from the oppressiveness of topicality really made me feel lighter, and it cleared up my skin. Sometimes I was able to sneak into public libraries after closing and take some books. I read tens, if not dozens of books in those six years. Books that made me better, like “To the Lighthouse,” “Ulysses” and “Babar.” That elephant is just so dang fun. I also have really good-looking legs now, which I got from hiking so God dang much. Do you know how big this country is? It’s too big. Once, I was in California and I walked for 14 hours straight, and when I was done I was still in California! That’s too big!
And don’t even get me started on the trees. There are so many trees in this country, and all of them are filled with at least one million bugs. One time I fell asleep under a tree that turned out to be an ant colony, and the next morning I woke up with so many ant bites on my face I looked like Sloth from “The Goonies.” Sometimes, during my walks across this too big country, I would stumble upon a small town, and there I would be able to rest for the night. American small towns are incredible. No matter where I was, I would always be greeted with a “WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?! GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE.” It seems to me that Americans are more alike than they think. I guess I just got comfortable living the life of a transient, walking through the wilderness, riding in train cars, getting kicked out of said train cars.
But there was always one thing that, no matter how many poisonous berries addled my brain chemistry, I could never get used to living without. I always loved to wake up in the morning and read the paper. It was just something that always centered me and made me feel calm and good. So now that I’m finally back from my years long sojourn of being completely off the grid, it’s time to sit down, take a big ole swig of piping hot coffee and look at today’s news…
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor writer.
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