It’s stupidly easy to influence kids. It’s how I made my fortune, it’s how I’ve gotten away with all those unsolved murders and it’s what the Republican nominee is doing nationwide; kids are imitating him, and people are noticing. The Patriotic Artists and Creative PAC’s recent anti-Trump ad stars playground bullies that look suspiciously like the Republican nominee. Teeny tiny racists. Adorable Jim Crows. Miniature xenophobic sociopaths. So cute they’ll make you want to swaddle them in a blanket and tell them a goodnight story… just not “The Sneetches,” because that book is about accepting people that look different, or “The Lorax,” because climate change is a myth. How about “Alexander and the No Good,” “Very Bad Election” or “Oh The Places You’ll Go If You’re White?” Those seem right up lil’ fascist’s alley.
For those wondering whether racists can be cute, I’d ask you to imagine a corgi at a Trump rally that growls exclusively at Hispanics. See? Told you. Racists aren’t always ugly on the outside — that’s how they fool you, and these children are no exception. This ad is brilliant. After you watch toddlers harass each other, it fades to black and flashes somber statistics about a dramatic increase in bullying and harassment in elementary schools. The impressionable youth of today are the victims of an ugly election. Pretty messed up right? At least U.Va. is safe! Right guys? Guys?
Guys?
College students aren’t much better. We’re incredibly easy to manipulate. I’ve watched people’s political beliefs flip because of “one amazing lecture.” There are students pushing to shut down Scholars’ housing because of one column in a college newspaper. This weekend alone, I convinced partygoers that “Shots O’Clock” was every ten minutes, that I was president of the Sevens and that the Rotunda was where Thomas Jefferson was buried. Were they drunk? Yes, but that’s not important. What’s important is that I got away with it. Because I’m a liar. I lied. For my own entertainment and personal gain. Seeing a pattern? Of blonde people lying to you for selfish reasons?
But is this election affecting our generation’s behavior? In the last month alone, I’ve gotten many emails condemning acts of hatred perpetrated on and around Grounds. Either there is one really determined individual or a group decided that Trump is right — brown people don’t count! And who could forget the many College Republicans who voted to keep the endorsement of Trump after the Access Hollywood tapes got leaked? They wanted to continue supporting a rapist because he promised border walls, a clean Washington and a stronger manufacturing sector. Our age group is more impressionable than a drunken toddler.
God willing, Trump will lose on Tuesday, but the College Republicans and bigots will still hold those prejudiced and backwards beliefs. These movements and behaviors aren’t going to recede immediately; they’ve been validated on a national level and will likely continue past the election. Given enough time and resources, these groups could feasibly prop up a Student Council presidential candidate. And it just might work.
What policies would the University’s Trump support? How would he behave holding the highest office in a very small piece of the land? I wouldn’t ever, ever, ever, condone unfounded speculation in a publication as prestigious as The Cavalier Daily. That said, I’m going to wildly speculate. Here’s my hypothetical candidate’s official four-point platform:
On Inclusion: First of all, no more Muslims. Get rid of them. Just all of ’em. We’re going to build a wall around the International Residential College, just to make sure they’re kept separate from everyone else. That’s what’s best for everyone. Trust me.
On Healthcare: I’ve heard a lot of complaints about Aetna and Student Health. That’s why I’m going to demolish it to make room for a second career center, focused on kids with rich parents. The hospital is right there. Why would you need to go to Student Health? If you think you’re depressed or anxious, just go get laid or have a drink. You’re not really sad; you’re just a loser.
On Greek Life: I see absolutely nothing that needs to be changed.
On Gender: There’s absolutely no reason for Women and Gender Studies to exist. Every real man knows enough about genitals from all the sex they have, and we definitely don’t need to worry about gender inequality. On another note, women with super hot Halloween costumes have to wear them where I can see them, perhaps at a Student Council sponsored pageant… but no fatties, no uggos and no girls with dads stronger than me.
Connor McLean is a Humor writer.
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