As graduation approaches, so does my entrance into the working world. Nowadays, everyone seems to want to know what I’ll be doing after I finish college. “Nora,” they say to me, “you look incredibly beautiful today, just like every other day of the year. Also, you are wise and seem like you have won a lot of awards, often without even trying that hard at all. So anyway, what are you doing after graduation?” In the course of the conversation, it will inevitably come up that I am an English and Media Studies double-major, which always leads to looks of pity.
It appears people do not have high hopes for someone who studies English. After all, who needs to write good? Grammar and punctuation is very stupid it doesn't matter and also too it’s a bigly dumb subject to study per se theretofore and thus. A degree in media is just as useless now that it turns out all news is fake. I certainly will not be a part of the failing media which is the enemy of the American people! And so I have found myself in a pickle.
Accordingly, I have made a list of jobs which I believe I can excel at. If you or anyone you know would like to help me acquire one of these or literally any career, feel free to contact me.
Businesswoman
“I want those reports on my desk by morning. Have you seen these numbers?! Get that son of a bitch Roberts on the phone. Revenue!” These are the words that I, a businesswoman, will say when I am having meetings for the business that I run while also being a woman.
Doctor
Having watched every episode of Grey’s Anatomy to date, I know being a doctor means I will have to have sex with all of my coworkers, get into a lot of life-threatening accidents and narrate my own life in an introspective way that frequently involves the phrase, “And in the end ….” Fortunately, I already do all of these things on a daily basis! And in the end, isn’t the toughest job we can have just to be ourselves?
President
Anybody can do it now, I’m assuming ... just kidding, to reiterate, I am a woman.
Marrying Rich
Female empowerment be damned, I may just surprise you all and marry rich! Then I will walk around my house made of Amour Amour dog collars (I am unsure what these are but it’s what popped up when I googled “what’s the most expensive thing in the world?”) and cackle wealthily as I toss my feather boa around my neck. You are probably thinking, “But Nora, you are single as a pringle — doesn’t this make you unqualified for marriage?” First, I commend you on your inventive rhyme. Second, you are correct, I am indeed single. But when you think about it, doesn’t that make me the most qualified for marriage? I’ll take anybody, and if my sundial is correct, one or more of the Kardashians should be single again any day now. Look for me in the next wedding special.
Cat Food Taste Tester
I recently read this article about the worst jobs in the world and I found out that some cat food companies make humans do the taste-testing to ensure the highest quality. While I’m not psyched about the prospect of eating cat food, I would choke it down in order to enjoy the perks — namely, filling out my reviews of the food purely in puns. “This one was purr-fect!” I will write about the best food, and “this one was so bad it almost knocked meowt!” for those that leave me wanting more. The CEO of the company will come to me personally to congratulate me on my wit. I will say, “Tell me something I don’t know, Cat Food Guy … just kitten!,” and he will fall in love with me instantly. Actually, this job could be a great stepping stone towards marrying rich. They will write about me in all the newspapers: From Cat Food Taster to Queen of the Cat Food Empire. I will become wildly popular because everyone loves a good rags-to-riches tale...or should I say tail? There I go again with my puns. This relentlessness is exactly what my future cat-food-CEO husband, Bob probably, will love about me.
These are just a few of the jobs I think I could do well. As far as my references, my old boss told me he would recommend me to any of these so long as I never contacted him again and my mother once told me I have a great face for radio! I do have a resume but it’s just a piece of paper that says “Had so many jobs you can call me Steve” in the largest font possible and then at the bottom of the page in the smallest font possible it has an explanation of my very good Steve Jobs joke just in case anyone doesn’t get it.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
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