1. Wear anything nice
This is not the night to wear your expensive leather boots and jacket, nor any article of clothing that cost more than $20. The bars on the Corner are a special kind of crappy and who knows what type of liquid you may be splattered with. You’re lucky if it’s just bottom-shelf liquor. I know this is horribly graphic, but you need to be warned! On a side note, for the love of God, please do not wear heels. You will not be able to stay vertical all night, and the inevitable end will be embarrassing … for you. For the rest of us, it will be hilarious.
2. Annoy the bartender
The Corner bartenders already have to cater to a bunch of drunk “21”-year-olds, so please don’t make things any worse for them. This means don’t try to wave money around like you’re a flailing swimmer and they’re a shark. At best, they take their sweet time getting to you; at worst, they just won’t get to you. If you somehow discover his or her name, don’t start yelling it as though you’re best buds and they should serve you. When they finally do get to you, order something simple. This is not the time to show off your rudimentary mixology knowledge. Finally, leave a good tip. After what they see happen in bars, they need a good reason to come back the next night.
3. Treat dancing like it’s Black Ops.
Here are some tips for getting someone to dance with you. Do: kindly ask them to dance with you. Use the phrase “will you dance with me?” while looking hopeful and nonthreatening. Don’t: try to sneak up behind them and hope they won’t notice that your person is suddenly all over them. They will notice and they’ve probably been watching you creeping up on them since you first started trying to subtly slide closer. They probably had their eye on you and immediately started giving the “secret signal” to their friends to get the heck out of there. Don’t force someone to use the secret signal. It’s a low point.
4. Utter the words “Come here often?”
This phrase has gone through many cycles of use. First, there was a time when it was new and cool — I do not remember this time, as I was not yet born. Everyone said it … I assume. Then, the phrase became a very lame cliché — just another crappy pick-up line in a book somewhere. Of course, like the pet you were trying to get rid of by leaving it in the woods, it came back. However, one was only allowed to ask if you “came here often” ironically as they acknowledged how lame they were being. We have moved on from this. We hope that it will never come back. Please don’t try to be the person to bring it back.
5. Speak. Like, at all.
The Corner bars are so loud that if one suddenly turned off the music, the sentence “wait, what did you say?” would awkwardly trail off as everyone quickly realized that they could hear again. Believe it or not, the incredibly loud music is working for you as it’s probably best that you’re not heard. No one can stand to go in bars while sober, and as a result, most aren’t. Drunk people don’t say smart things. Drowning them out with music is best for everyone. Yay, music.
6. Over-drink
Come on people, have some decorum! There’s nothing attractive about getting sloppy / belligerent / depressed / clumsy / vomiting drunk. We are adults(ish) and should not perpetuate the unfortunately accurate stereotypes regarding college students and drinking. On top of that, it’s just gross to have a bunch of over-intoxicated 20-somethings in a small, hot room. If one person can’t hold their liquor, we all lose in a very horrifying way. That and drunks always hog the bathrooms; girls have enough of a wait as it is. And yes, this is mostly due to my anger over the bathroom situation.
7. Try to charge your phone behind the bar
This applies to the rest of the bar as well. Just trying to charge your phone in public is supremely annoying — for everyone. Not only is there a 100 percent chance that your phone will get wet anywhere in the bar, but then you’ll be spending the entire time watching over it instead of having fun(ish). Why would you do that? How hard is it to plan ahead? If you somehow manage to find a bar with an outlet, manned by an understanding bartender, then you’ve basically put them in charge of your phone. It’s not his or her responsibility to watch your stuff. In fact, your phone should be stolen on principle.
8. Show up sober
As the “fun(ish)” earlier indicates, having fun at bars is really relative. If you’re sober, they’re just loud, sweaty, bacteria-filled houses of horror. If you get drunk enough, they’re just loud and sweaty. Get too drunk, and you add to the sweat, bacteria and horror. Please, don’t add to the horror — a.k.a the stickiness of the floor. Thus, one should always strive to reach the appropriate amount of intoxicated. The only time being sober is acceptable is when you’re the DD; and while being DD may be socially acceptable, you know that the only reason you’re DD is because you drew the short straw, and this is going to be a painfully awful night dealing with drunks. Drunks are only OK to hang out with when you’ve had a few drink too.
9. Take selfies
Do you really think the photo is going to look good? It’s dark, and you’re sweaty and intoxicated. You’ve literally never looked worse in your life — not even that time when you had bangs and a perm … or that time you thought you’d save money doing your own eyebrows. Yeah. You look worse than the time you were eyebrow-less. That and there are only two outcomes whenever you decide to stretch out your arm for a selfie in a crowded bar— one, you take an awful photo after repeatedly smacking strangers in the head with your phone, or, two, you hit one person in the head, drop your phone, and have to deal with the repercussions of touching the floor to get it back. I’m not lying when I say that floor may actually kill you.
10. Try to stand / dance on anything that isn’t floor
Yes, the floor is disgusting. Yes, I just said that it was mortally dangerous. But then again, so is trying to stand or dance on a sofa / chair / bar / table. I don’t care about how hot that actor looked doing it that one time in that one movie. Actors are supposed to be hot. We are just supposed to concentrate on not being idiots. You will fall, and you will take someone down with you. Normally, I’d advocate for just letting this happen. I’d say it’s funny. I’d say this is natural selection just trying to keep dumb genes from re-entering the gene pool. However, I’m very sure that I’d be the unlucky sap to break the dancer’s fall, and I really do want to keep my genes in that pool. So don’t dance on things. Ever.
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