Hey there, pal. I heard you got dumped. I’m really sorry about that. Yes, I know it isn’t my fault, it wasn’t a literal statement, it’s just a common thing people say, I just meant … Look, okay, nope, I promised I was going to be patient with this conversation.
I guess I should formally introduce myself. I am your break-up bud. Think of me as a Jiminy Cricket who’s willing to go on a bender with you or that angel from “It’s A Wonderful Life,” except we get to see your ex’s life actually improve now that your relationship is over and you’re out of their life.
Before we enter this wonderful world of new genitalia and unhindered substance consumption, I should make you aware of the ground rules. You wouldn’t think there are rules for this. You would assume it would fall into the same category as “Halloweekend” or Texas, but trust me, there are rules, and if you don’t follow them it won’t go well for you.
First of all, block the ex’s number. You can thank me later. The only reason you would possibly want to hear from them is if they were warning you about a natural disaster and even then you might just wanna risk it with mild disasters like tsunamis or new Arcade Fire albums.
Second, please use a condom. Do unto others as you would have them do inside you. It’s the golden rule of latex. Also do not buy condoms made of gold, they are unpleasant and will for sure lead to bizarre medical afflictions. Unless you’re R Kelly, then wear diamond condoms for all I care, you wrote “Ignition Remix,” you can do whatever you want. None of that weird creepy illegal stuff he’s allegedly (for sure) done.
Third, don’t do anything R Kelly would do. Don’t go to the sexy german disco-tech parties. Don’t pee on minors. Actually, just don’t go near minors at all.
Fourth, know your limits. It’s been a while since you’ve cut loose, so you’re going to need to rediscover your limits. You might have some questions, questions which I can answer. Questions like how many partners is too many or how much cocaine is too much. However many people you can financially provide pizza for post coitus and any amount. Any amount is too much cocaine, because any amount will lead to you wanting unlimited amounts. I don’t know much about math, but there’s something called a limit, where it just keeps escalating forever, and that would be your body’s limit with limitless cocaine.
Fifth, don’t buy the new Zelda game. I’m a happy (snort), well-adjusted (louder snort) person (snort?) and I have already binged that game more than is feasible or healthy. A ton of people took actual trips over spring break, exploring real beaches and mountains, in the fresh air. But they didn’t get the Master Sword. So, who’s the real winner, mom?
Yeah, just don’t buy the game at all. Sounds safer.
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