So, this past week, the new chair of the College Republicans had a column published on The Cavalier Daily defending the Republican party’s American Health Care Act.
I want to make something clear here.
I really was going to lay off. I promise. Hand to God. Hand to all of the gods! I can be pagan for this column; I really don’t care at this point. I think too much of my comedy has been skewering conservatism the University this year, and it was time for a change of pace. I had a nice piece, all written up, about what I had learned in my time at the University. It was charming, self-deprecating, and all in good fun.
Then I read the College Republican chair’s article.
I gotta say, this is simply too good to pass up. Like some 1950s Disney character, I have been drawn to the window by a cooling pie in the windowsill. This is more alluring than a mountain of comic books and Legos surrounded by supermodels serving me Italian food. To pass up this opportunity would be a waste. Let’s get to work.
First of all, the piece itself is ludicrous, and this is coming from a man who thinks that the Fast and Furious franchise featuring Ludacris the rapper, actor, mogul and idol is high art. Pornos have offered a more nuanced and sophisticated understanding of the American health care system than that article.
The author frets about how the Supreme Court opened the door to governments forcing us to act for the collective good. What if they forced us to drive a specific type of car or buy vegetables? What if they used our tax dollars to make a mail system that ran to every town, no matter how poor or crime ridden and deliver letters for … does that already exists? Well, what if they put some beneficial chemical like fluoride in our … Wait, we already do that, too? Well they can’t possibly plan to spend my tax dollars on some ineffective wall that stretches several thousand miles just for the collective economic good, could they?
The author spends entire paragraphs whining about how Obamacare is coercive. You can tell that he and the IRS are going to have a great relationship. I would hate to be the person who has to explain that governments make paternalistic institutions and decisions for the common good all the freaking time. It’s kind of why we have a government.
These are the same people who claimed I would be able to marry a turtle if gay marriage were legalized. It’s been two years since that decision, yet Yurtle and I still remain unwed and our families won’t stop asking when it will finally happen. I was promised reptile on man action, but it’s just not happening. That’s because it’s real easy to stop yourself from sliding down the slippery slope. You just turn sideways and walk with your skis pointed horizontally; it’s what they teach the first day of children’s ski lessons.
Secondly, there is one huge point that the piece conveniently left out. Even if you ignore the refundable tax credit element, there are enormous tax cuts for the wealthy laden within the language of ACHA. Literally billions in tax cuts. Not disclosing that detail when you’re talking about a bill is the equivalent of keeping your herpes, murder dungeon and my Little Pony figurine collection under wraps when you’re trying to take someone home from a bar. They’re going find out, because you can’t really hide something that big, and at that point it’s too late.
The way the College Republicans publicized the piece is truly the most ridiculous part about this article. When they publicized the piece on Facebook, they claimed it would help the reader “learn what's really behind the AHCA” and lauded Kimelman for having the “courage to put out an unpopular opinion to defend conservative values.” If you want to call baby birding Paul Ryan’s stump speech into a college audience’s unwilling mouth courageous, be my guest, but that takes a special kind of silly.
I know this is a good school, but can we agree that no one here can offer a fresh, never-before-seen take on a congressional bill? We do not have the age, experience or knowledge to originally comment on a new Chainsmokers album, much less a federal health care plan. I would love to see a single person from College Republicans explain the Congressional Budget Office report. To read the document, whose summary pages is 37 pages long, and explain to me where they think the CBO was mistaken in its assertions.
Similarly, I would love to see my 12-year-old brothers explain the 2008 banking crisis to me. Mostly because we would get to watch “The Big Short” afterwards, but also because I love watching people make mistakes. Everyone does. It’s what kept America’s Funniest Home Videos on the air for over 15 years, and it’s what got people to read the College Republican chair’s column. No one can resist watching a man accidentally hit himself down there.
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