Last week I found myself feeling incredibly bored, so I decided to think about my trends in coffee consumption, as most people would in that sort of situation. Upon my reflection, I discovered a startling trend: I will drink iced coffee in any weather. Yeah sure, I’ll pop a K-Cup into the ol’ Keurig now and then to help me wake up, and I guess O’Hill can occasionally provide me with a nice hot cup of joe, but I realized that whenever I go to Starbucks, despite the temperature outside, I will order a Vanilla Iced Coffee™.
A few days ago, in weather cold enough to affect a Floridian like me but not many other people, I found myself in the Starbucks on the Corner trying to find some sustenance to grind out a paper. When I made it up to the register, as if by instinct, I rattled off my order. If you aren’t able to guess by now, the coffee I paid for was NOT hot. As I walked out of the store, holding that plastic cup in my bare hand, I felt icicles form around my fingers. It was as if I had dunked my hand into the Arctic Ocean and just left it there for hours. My throat felt like I was forcing the entire tundra down it with every single gulp. I wondered why on earth I would order such a drink that chilled me to my bone with every second that it remained in my possession. As I raced to quickly chug my drink before frostbite consumed me, I pondered why I am dumb enough to drink iced coffee without hesitation.
There are a lot of reasons for this extremely important conundrum. Maybe it’s because I’m scared of burning my tongue or it could be an innate love for frozen water. Perhaps it is because I’m so used to only ordering iced coffee back home in Florida, and I have been unable to adapt to my new surroundings. Maybe it’s because I started drinking coffee because a girl I liked would always profess a love for coffee, and iced coffee was her order. It could even be just a deep cry for help I am unable to detect because I am not quite self-aware enough to dive into that problem just yet. Okay, I just realized all of those reasons are terrible. Forget that entire paragraph.
I want The Cavalier Daily readership to understand that iced coffee is cool. You take a drink meant to be served hot, and you completely invert it. Now that is what I call cool. Therefore, we can identify that by the transitive property, drinking iced coffee at all times makes me super cool as well. Honestly, I’m glad we could finally get to the bottom of this issue. It has been weighing on both my mind and the hearts of this nation for so long. So next time you find yourself at your local coffee shop, tell them to toss some ice in your cup. You’ll thank me later.
Ben Miller is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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