“Hey Hey! Ho Ho! Give Us Guns and Then We’ll Go! Hey Hey! Ho Ho! … ”
In a gathering crowd outside of the state house in Oklahoma City, teachers from around the state raised their voices in unified chant. If you’re thinking that this particular cheer is a little surprising, you’re not wrong. To understand it all, let’s take a look at the full story.
“We have to teach with basically nothing given to us,” said art teacher Betty Brown, owner of the most generic teacher name in existence. “I have to drive the bus, make the mystery meat, coach dodgeball and teach geometry all in the same day. And the coffee machine broke 30 years ago so I’m doing it all uncaffeinated. Also, my baby is due tomorrow and I plan on being back the day after.”
As you can see, Betty Brown is not the type to be messed with. Raised on the mean streets of Stillwater, Betty knows when she needs to protest.
“What was the tipping point? Honestly it was when Frank [Jones, algebra teacher] got a new pad of sticky notes. I didn’t even know what they were. Little colored pieces of paper that are kind of sticky? Crazy. Either give us all something or give us all nothing. You can’t just give something to Frank. Frank is the worst.”
Protest from teachers is not a new development, especially in the past few weeks. Public school educators around the country have been taking to the streets to object to the fact that they have to teach the future generations on a salary that makes McDonald’s look like a private equity firm.
However, it was not until this past week that things began to change.
“Now I really don’t get it,” said Oklahoma representative Marty Schmuck. “At first I guess I could kind of understand that they didn’t like that we paid them in quarters but when they started talking about guns I really got confused.”
Schmuck is not alone. It was only weeks ago that in the wake of the tragic Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting many called for gun reform and others called for more guns. Most teachers were quite vocal in their opposition of receiving guns from the state, but now it seems like they have changed their minds.
When asked about the reason for such a drastic change of opinion, Brown was not entirely helpful.
“Why do we now want guns? Oh, uh, well, uh, what do they say, the whole good guy thing? Yeah, that’s it. Because the only thing that stops a good guy with a gun is a bad guy with a gun. Wait no. Shoot. I mean darn, no gun jokes.”
Still in the dark, many state legislators have been in favor of giving the teachers guns “because now they really want them.”
To get to the bottom of this, reporters finally cornered a teacher and made him talk.
“You really want to know why we want the guns?” said Frank Jones, high school algebra teacher. “Well, I’ll tell you. You don’t want to pay us squat? Yeah? Well how about now with a gun to your head? How about now? Huh? How about now?”
When asked if the new request for guns was for a violent revolt, Brown did not deny it.
“Who told you that? Was it Frank? I bet it was Frank. Did you ask Frank? Oh, I bet you did. For goodness sakes, he had one job.”
When probed further, Brown spilled the beans. “Ok well let’s think about it. Have you ever heard of the American Revolution? 1775? Taxation without representation? Tyranny? What did they do? Sit around and teach the kids? No! They got some guns and stuck it to the tyrants. Now the tyrants want to give us the guns? It’s like they’re begging us to form a militia.”
The bottom line here is that all of our suspicions have been confirmed: high school teachers are not to be crossed. They’re out of their minds. So please, for the safety of everyone, let’s just pay the teachers more. And don’t give them guns. The last thing I want to know is that my high school librarian has a gun. There’s no telling what happens when an underpaid 87 year-old, chock full of arthritis medications, is given a loaded firearm.
Walter Sharon is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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