1. The beauty of a good night’s rest
As a first year, I went to the wreath ceremony that the Purple Shadows do each Founder’s Day. I thought the purple smoke was super cool, and the rivalry between the secret societies was definitely hot goss. Now I’m a year older, a year wiser and a whole heck of a year more jaded. I have learned that there is nothing about Founder’s Day that is worth waking up before the sun. It’s freezing, it’s dark and the grass is too dewy to sit on. It’s also the same almost every year. If you want me out there cheering on dudes in robes, then you better make it like some kind of Harry Potter reenactment because that is the only way I’m going to think they’re cool.
2. Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
I have a hot take – I love cheese more than I love Thomas Jefferson. No offense to him, but he doesn’t come in hundreds of different flavors or make something as simple as white bread amazingly delicious. Speaking of bread and cheese, Founder’s Day also happens to be the day after Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day. Do you know that you can do pretty much anything with grilled cheese? There’s mac and cheese grilled cheese, unicorn grilled cheese and even grilled cheese that Pinterest claims is better than sex. Sorry TJ, but call me when your daybreak celebration includes food.
3. Subtlety
Founder’s Day is anything but subtle. In case you haven’t noticed, there aren’t really other schools that celebrate some guy that is beyond dead and gone by throwing out all the stops and revelling in theatrics. There’s purple smoke, wreaths, competing secret societies and mimosas at daybreak. I don’t know about you, but that’s quite a lot at the beginning of the day for me. So maybe let’s think about toning it down and appreciating the art of subtlety instead.
4. Survivor Hour
As much as your homegirl loves a good mimosa, I would love it a whole lot more if I was seated in front of a delicious brunch at some cute café. Also, I can hardly stomach breakfast in the morning, so how are some of you up and drinking before sunrise on Founder’s Day? For the rest of us night owls or those of us with weaker stomachs, Survivor Hour at The Biltmore seems like a much better way to go. Rails are only $2, and you can go home and sleep instead of going to class drunk.
5. The weekend
Why should we celebrate a day where in order to participate you have to get up early? Why not just celebrate all the sleep you’re going to lose this weekend instead? We all know the weekend should be used for catching up on sleep, but instead we all waste it on Netflix binges or bar hopping. And frankly, if all these secret societies want me to celebrate TJ so badly, they at least could have gotten the University to cancel classes. How am I supposed to properly observe the holiday if my brain is busy learning?
6. Cardi B’s pregnancy
For all of you that live under a rock, Cardi B and Offset are having a baby. For those of you that live under an entire layer of bedrock, Cardi B and Offset are popular rappers, and Cardi has especially taken the music scene by storm with popular hits like “Bodak Yellow” and “Bartier Cardi.” People love her for speaking her mind and being super goofy, and she is about to kill motherhood. How does this random lady’s pregnancy affect you? To that I beg you to consider how Founder’s Day affects you either.
7. Craft Cocktail Competition
So maybe the reason you don’t like Founder’s Day is because there’s not enough partying. The Tom Tom Founders Festival is hosting a craft cocktail competition on not one, not two, but five days in a row! Charlottesville’s best mixologists – which, let’s be real, is definitely the geekiest name possible for a bartender – will be creating new drinks that feature local alcohol and ingredients. If you go all five days it’s possible to forget that Founder’s Day even exists at all.
8. The cinematic masterpiece that is “Cats & Dogs”
Maybe you don’t keep up with all the movies and shows that are added to and deleted from Netflix each month, but as a professional binge-watcher, this is something I keep tight tabs on. Although we are going to lose some amazing movies this month, like “Cool Runnings” and “Kung Fu Panda 3,” we did gain a startlingly impressive movie. It could only be described as a pièce de résistance, a chef-d’œuvre or a tour de force. That movie is “Cats & Dogs.” It tells the classic story of a secret agent dog working against an evil empire of cats. Personally, I don’t care if you don’t like the movie, but you have to admit it’s worth celebrating over Founder’s Day.
9. Spring
I’m excited for the warm weather that’s coming up throughout the rest of the week, and you should be too. Why? Not because I enjoy shorts and dresses and sandals. Cold weather is my friend. I don’t have to shave, and I certainly don’t sweat as much. No, the only reason I am excited for warmer weather is so I don’t have to hear another person ask if it’s really April because of all the snow and chilly weather. So to all of you that have said anything along those lines in an attempt to be funny, the comedic genius of this university is hereby calling you out. For the sake of my sanity, please get a new joke.
10. My cat’s birthday month
My cat is a direct gift from the heavens above. He’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, and I would physically destroy a person if they even thought about harming him. I’ve had the sweet baby since he was six months old, and April happens to be his birthday month. I’ve already bought his birthday gift, and you best be sure that I am throwing him a party. In case you’re interested in celebrating a beautiful cat instead of some dead guy in the ground, please address all cards to Ancho, The Cavalier Daily Cat.
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