Now you thought we couldn’t get past this whole Walmart controversy. Well, I’m still here all right, reporting live from the studio. It’s been a harsh few weeks, but I think we’re out of the worst of it.
Meanwhile, amid all the hysteria and confusion, I’ve been doing my job — which I’m damn good at, mind you. This article has been two weeks in the making. And it’s new. It’s innovative. Instead of, like, writing paragraphs and stuff, I’m dividing it into sections. With numbers. It’s like a list. A list article. An article which is also a list. It’s like metamorphosis, nature, the mystery of life, magic. So, like, I’m going to start the list now. Oh and by the way, each section of the article, or each entry in the list, is an entirely new way to end the academic year in an entirely original and classy way. Hey, that’s almost the title of the article.
1. Take some time off for yourself. Just relax. Now is the time to catch up with yourself before that last exam and the hectic funfest that will be the summer times. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? I recommend locking yourself in your room for a few days. Don’t respond to instant messaging or email. Make people worry about you. Don’t worry, you deserve this.
2. Throw things at people. Just throw things at them. It doesn’t matter what it is. Blades of grass, rice (I really like rice), water bottles. It doesn’t matter how you do it. Toss it, fling it, beam it. Doing so demonstrates some form of value, really showing them that you care. They’ll think, “Oh, that person just threw something at me. How original and classy. I think I want to talk to them.”
3. Eat copious amounts of cheese. As my anaesthesiologist always said, “If it ain’t cheese, then it ain’t meant to please. I am now going to sedate you.” And I try to fulfill those comforting words every day of my life. While cheese might not actually contain hallucinogens, if you do it right, things can get pretty trippy. I recommend filling a snorkel full of the stuff and then inhaling from the mouthpiece. If done correctly, you will experience a relaxing journey of complete ego dissolution, where you lose all sense of your body and attachment to the physical world. Have fun!
4. Explore a cave with that someone special. Take them to a romantic getaway in an unexplored cavern. It has to unexplored because the real fun is that you get to engage in cave cartography, which really gets those juices flowing. Bonus points if you get lost and start to fear for your life. Even more bonus points if you starve to death together, locked in each other’s arms.
5. I forgot what I was going to say which happens way too often someone please help me. Get it?
7. Repeat the number seven. Want to be the most interesting man/woman/human at parties? Just stand still and stare into space continously saying “seven.” People will go crazy. They’ll do that thing where they put a lampshade on your head. Now you may think they’re doing that to get you to shut up, but that’s not the case. First take it off and write the number seven on it with a sharpie. Then just keep repeating “seven” but get louder and louder. If someone doesn’t take you home afterwards, then just buy some fancy new sneakers and try it again with “eleven.”
I hope you have been enlightened, my child. When we get through to the other side of these hardships and struggles of and pertaining to Walmart, I hope that we can meet in a garden, or maybe an alley somewhere. We’ll both have matured so much, I might not even recognize you. And then we’ll have a conversation. The most interesting, classy, original conversation that ever was had by anybody ever. And then I will say that this has all been a test, and you have failed tremendously.
You failed because you didn’t do the Seven things that would have allowed you to end the academic year in an entirely original and classy way. Because I know you won’t do these things because you’re a normal human being. Well I’ll be with all the cool kids being original and classy and we’ll laugh at you. Just so you know.
Okay, yes, this is about you “Samuel from Walmart” (if that is your real name.) There is no way in hell that a bottle of myrrh costs nine dollars. Calling the manager over to “assess the problem” is a sin and you know it.
Christopher Johnson is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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