I want to study for finals. I really do. But I’m living a full life with a lot going on outside of school. I don’t know how I’m going to find time to study when I need to do other things.
Train my Pokémon
Unlike the world of econometrics, accounting and English drama from its origins to 1642, I understand Pokémon. I don’t tolerate any of this cramming nonsense for the topics that matter — no sir. I’ve been studying the pocket monsters since 1999. No joke, I played Pokémon before I knew how to read. It went like this.
The game would begin: “Welcome to the world of Pokémon!” I’d get up, go find my mom and ask her to read the screen. My mom would go find her glasses and peer at my Gameboy Color.
“It’s welcoming you to the world of Pokémon,” she said, pronouncing it po-kee-mon instead of po-kay-mon. I’d say thanks, walk back to wherever I was and sit down. I would press the A button.
Game: “What time is it?” I’d get up. I would go back to my mom, and ask her to read the screen again. This happened about three times before I picked up that I should just press A for everything instead of pestering her to essentially play the game for me. Being illiterate makes the game a lot more exciting actually, as I had no idea what would happen next.
Anyway, back here in the present, I opened up my Nintendo DS just to check on my team in my copy of HeartGold. Everybody gets stressed during finals, and I wanted to make sure my pokémon were doing alright. Unlike the real world, I’m the smartest guy in the place when I play Pokémon. It’s definitely my superior intelligence and not that these games are made for children.
Figure out how the universe works
Why is the sky blue? How does a microwave work? What even happens when we flush? I really have no idea how the physical world operates all around me. Like, if we’re made out of atoms that have space in between them, how do my atoms not get tangled up with the chair I’m sitting in? How different is one of my atoms from one of your atoms? Like if we high five, where does your hand end atomically and my hand begin? I can’t study with these questions haunting me.
I’m never more curious than I am during finals season. I don’t know what it is about this time of year. It could be I’m desperate for a distraction that maintains the facade of learning so I avoid the guilt that comes with procrastinating. Or maybe it’s the nice weather. Either way, the internet has plenty of fun, colorful videos where I learn a lot more than I do in 10 minutes of studying. So yes, I needed to watch the two-part YouTube series “Following the Flush.” I couldn’t sit in the darkness of my ignorance any longer.
Plan out how I’m going to change my life this summer knowing fully well I’ll change nothing
New summer, new me baby. I’m getting my diet right. No more of this “just one cookie a day” nonsense. I’m getting in on this avocado fad. I’m going to make dinner for my family, and we’ll do grilled chicken breast with brown rice. I’m going to put a pull-up bar in my backyard and making it will be like a bonding project for me and my dad. Then once it’s up I’m going to get really into calisthenics. You won’t recognize me next year after I get into these pull-ups and avocados.
I caught myself today daydreaming about getting into bird-watching this summer, then I realized I had this exact fantasy during exams last year. It never happened even though I adore birds. I think I’m more enamored by the image of me being a bird-watcher than the actual act of bird-watching. It’s fun to dream.
Just sit here and exist
You ever kick your feet up and just watch time creep agonizingly closer to your exam second by second? You ever just feel that anxiety bubbling up and you just bottle it and put it on a shelf in your amygdala to later fuel a futile attempt to learn a course in a night? You ever Google existentialist philosophy so you can convince yourself nothing matters and this entire education system is a grand illusion? Anyone? Anyone? No? Asking for a friend here.
I’m trying to hit the books whenever I can. It’s tough, but I survive. I might need to run through this to-do list one more time though.
John Patterson is a Life Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at life@cavalierdaily.com.
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