Dear Future First-Year,
Hallo! Guten tag! Bienvenue! How’s it hanging? Welcome to the next four fabulous years of your life. College is a beautiful time of your life full of discovery and growth. However, it ain’t always easy and there’s always a couple of bumps on the road. Below are some rough lessons I have learned at ye old University and hope you are able to learn from my mistakes.
‘Nova’ means ‘Northern Virginia’ and not NOVA scotia.You may laugh, but this actually happened to somebody I know. He was all like “Is everybody from Canada?”, and I was all like “I wish! I’m just from Arlington!” To be fair, it’s an easy mistake to make — both places are 1) super white and 2) defined by their proximity to an area of political chaos. In an alternate reality, U.Va. actually stands for University of Vancouver. People smile at you as they walk ‘aboot’ rugby road and frat parties are filled with polite fraternity men boys who say “didn’t see ya there, eh!”. Snow days are just Mondays and O-Hill serves poutine with maple syrup. Ah, a girl can dream. Sadly, ‘nova’ just means anybody who considers themselves “close to D.C.”, but in reality, live an hour and a half away with no traffic.
If you live in new dorms and you need to drop a deuce in private, just walk down to the first floor and use the bathroom that is traditionally reserved for parents and visitors. Nobody’s in there. It’s a first-year mecca.
Lice might happen. Sinus infections might happen. Your hall is going to be rife with illness and malady. It’s so commonplace, it’s basically part of the first year experience. In fact, that will be the only acceptable time to contract any of these illnesses, which is kind of exciting. How else would you be able to experience hand-foot-and-mouth disease as an 18-year-old? However, mono reigns as the coolest illness of all — if you really want to impress your fellow first-years, stop slackin’ and start mackin’. Mono kind of lies in the middle, like you’re interested in bein’ sexually active but not too interested, you know what I’m saying? Anyway, where I was I?
Revel in your mediocrity. I hate to break it to you all, but the rumours are wrong. You, dear reader, are not special. Not even close. But, I’ll let you in a little secret, that is the greatest blessing of all. You are surrounded by future Nobel Prize winners and NBA athletes, and you just spent the last four hours watching the new season of Queer Eye. I ask you, who do you think is having more fun, honestly? It is a freaking blast knowing that you lie firmly in the middle of the food chain.
Furthermore, be proud of your perfect adequacy! As Syndrome from “The Incredibles” wisely said “With everyone super, no one will be.” He, of course, was talking about his plans for world domination, but the sentiment rings true. If everybody is special, nobody is. Be proud of the fact that you can be #relatable instead of #goals. I know I am. I’ll say it once, I’ll say it again. This is a mediocre humor article. Sure sure, it’s mildly funny — perhaps you let out a chortle or two. But let’s be honest, you’ve read better. And I’m okay with that! More than okay, I am proud of my barely satisfactory work. That’s just how it be.
In conclusion, dearest future first-year, it’s going to be a-okay. Whether you get lice or mix up nova with Nova Scotia or feel like everybody’s eons ahead of you, it’s not going to matter. We’ll all be dead from climate change in 40 years anyway.
Veronica Sirotic is the Humor Editor for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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