Recent reports from orientation leaders have revealed that incoming first-year Jonathan Moore has high-fived roughly 37 men during Orientation Session B. All of the men were reportedly wearing bow ties, but Moore insisted the reason the he gave them a high-five was not because he is particularly fond of bow ties. In fact, he owns only 7 of them himself, a strangely small number for an upper-middle-class teenager from Vienna, Va.
“I just really want to high-five Dean Groves, because I heard you’re supposed to do that, like, you know, as tradition or something,” Moore told The Cavalier Daily. “The problem is, I don’t really know what he looks like. All I know about him is that he usually wears a bow tie, so I’ve just been high-fiving every man in a bow tie I see around grounds because one of them might be Dean Groves.”
It is quite true that Dean of Students Allen Groves is famous for his high-fives. He became so famous for it, actually, that Groves briefly held the world record for the most high-fives given in one hour. In fact, his high-fives have become so iconic that a plastic replica of his right hand has become the second-most sold item at the U.Va. Bookstore, trailing just behind the Grow-Your-Own Clone of Thomas Jefferson Set.™
However, despite the iconic nature of Groves’ high-fives, Moore still couldn’t find any evidence as to the actual appearance of Groves, which was a complete enigma. We pointed out to Moore that he should know what Groves looks like, since Moore had seen Groves speak at his orientation, earlier that same day. We also told him that a simple Google Image search would have showed him upwards of 50 pictures of Groves, some of which depict him actively high-fiving people. We even mentioned that if he really didn’t have any other resource, he could have simply asked literally anyone on Grounds about Groves’ appearance. Moore then declined to comment and has not responded to any of our questions since.
Orientation Leader and rising third-year Grace Henderson told The Cavalier Daily that Moore’s actions really put a damper on her session B experience.
“We couldn’t do any of the normal orientation things because he was so insistent on high-fiving every man in a bow tie,” Henderson said. “We’d be doing our scheduled orientation activities, like U.Va. Terminology Brainwash Fun Times or the classic Late Night with the Z-Society™, and all of a sudden he’d be running off to high-five some random visitor on the Lawn. A couple of the men he high-fived were even wearing pre-tied bow ties, as if Dean Groves would ever do something so blasphemous.”
The Cavalier Daily reached out to American History Professor Megan Kinsbury, who also works as a strategy analyst, for her thoughts on Moore’s campaign.
“Moore’s strategy isn’t the worst I’ve ever seen, but it’s pretty far down the list. I mean, it’s just dumb. There’s a lot of men that wear bow ties around here. Like, a lot, a lot. You’d think that the administration had banned regular ties. Also, it’s not like Dean Groves is difficult to find. That hair is so white, I’ve seen it literally blind people before.” (The Cavalier Daily could not confirm if Groves’ hair had ever actually blinded anyone but honestly, yeah, probably.)
To no one’s surprise, Moore never did succeed in a getting a high-five from the Dean of Students during his two days of orientation, but he did give his word that his campaign would continue in the fall.
Groves has not responded to requests for comment on the situation.
Jakob Cansler is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
U.Va. begins to lease out the Lawn
By Anna Scott | 16 hours agoThe University unveiled its new plan to rent out subsections of the Academical Village’s green space on Wednesday.
BREAKING — RAs drafted to the Capitol for the Presidential Inauguration
By Margo Kaye | November 13, 2024The University announced that Resident Advisors will work with the Secret Service to help maintain order at the presidential inauguration.
U.Va. Marriage Pact and the University roll out new “Ring by Spring” program
By Adair Reid | November 7, 2024The program will take a similar shape to the Engagements pathways. Instead of quarter-long classes, students will choose their literal level of engagement.
