These days, you would be hard pressed to find anyone who does not have a Twitter account or who has not at least heard of Twitter. In fact, if you could find someone who hasn’t heard of Twitter, please let me know because that is crazy. People, both young and old, are often enamored with Twitter users who have massive followings, whether they deserve the fans or not. Now, I can finally provide to you, the reader, a few tips and tricks that might launch you into 140-character stardom. Wait, it’s 280 now, isn’t it? You get the idea.
1) Become actually famous
Yes, yes, this one is pretty obvious. However, from what I can tell, most famous people really attract Twitter followers at a much more rapid rate than non-famous people, so maybe you should give it a try, too. If you’re famous, the followers will come. Isn’t that a quote from “Field of Dreams?”
2) Relatable college posts
Ah, relatable college posts. This one is an absolute classic, and it is incredibly easy to execute. Have you ever done something, and I mean anything, in college? Ever? No matter the mundane task? Perfect. All you have to do is talk about said task and relate it back to taking a nap.
“Ugh do you ever just open up your textbook and immediately need to nap? Bc same.”
“Everyone is trying to go out on Thursday night but I’m just trying to extend my nap into a deep sleep.”
Ah, you’re so relatable and quirky! Bring in those retweets.
3) Bot accounts
Now this one ramps the difficulty level for execution up a bit, but its effectiveness is unparalleled, as it removes all possible outside error. Now, theoretically, you would want over a million followers, as this would show that you’re at a level of fame that is on a tier of its own, but I would say being at 100K is a perfect base to show the outside world that you’re someone who deserves attention. Now, all you have to do is create 100,000 Twitter accounts and follow yourself with all of them! Easy peasy, lickity split. Get those burner email accounts ready.
4) Be the president
Now, is it just me, or does the President have a Twitter account? Sorry. I had to get political there, but if the leader of the free world can use a social media site as their main tool of galvanizing a radical, fanatical base, then so can you! If you manage to sneak into the 2020 race, prepare for your Twitter numbers to steadily rise. Get your block button ready!
5) Take the Twitter team hostage
Do you know where Jack Dorsey (Twitter’s founder and former CEO) lives? Well, if not, you need to figure that out fast in order to use this method. Since he is the man behind all the madness, all you need to do is take him and members of his team hostage! Don’t demand a monetary ransom, as that would be foolish. Money and other Earthly possessions are temporary, but a large Twitter following is forever. Force him to make that number next to your username massive!
6) Work in The Old Coal Mine Down the Road
I know you could’ve seen this one coming from a mile away, but that doesn’t undermine just how effective this method is. Now, we all know that everyone who works in The Old Coal Mine Down the Road is incredibly popular — both domestically and internationally — and thus all 23 employees make up the top 23 spots on the “Most Followers on Twitter” list. So dust off that old mining helmet, and send in your application to The Old Coal Mine Down the Road (and thus, stardom.)
7) Recover the Scepter of Dagobert
If you have stuck around this far in the article, you’re a real homie, and thus I will reward you with the best possible strategy to becoming Twitter famous — recovering the Scepter of Dagobert. Lost in 1795 from the Basilica of St. Denis in France, this French relic that originated in the 7th Century is one of the more famous missing treasures in the world. If you were to find it, your Twitter following would surely go up, and you’d probably be indoctrinated into the French monarchical system. Bonus!
See, becoming famous on Twitter isn’t so hard! These are seven easy ways to do it, and only one of them requires taking anyone hostage! With six non-hostage options paired with an option for the bolder readers out there, there is sure to be a solution for you.
Ben Miller is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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