Dear “autumn” weather,
Well, well, well. It’s that time of the year again. We meet again, you drab son of a gun. I thought you would never return after the pitiful showing last year. You, sir, are an insult to the legacy of autumn. Autumn used to be a magnificent lioness chasing after summer, bringing in colorful hues of orange and red, dancing in the fading sunlight. Now autumn is a sickly grey squirrel that crawls around for a bit, then just gives up. (Is this metaphor working?) You are a disgrace.
I demand answers. Where be the changing leaves, pal? Where’s that delightful autumn chill, bucko? I just want the delightful reminder that U.Va. was voted number one most beautiful campus in America by the highly revered, critically acclaimed, definitely not generic, “Best College Reviews.” However, when our dear Rotunda is surrounded by drizzle and framed with a background of grey, all I can see is Alcatraz. Or Newark. Same thing.
Quite frankly, you have spurned me, autumn. You have hit me where it hurts. Whenever you stroll on by, I am SAD! No, not sad in all caps — although I do love emphasizing my point as such — I mean — you ignorant dweeb — Seasonal Affective Disorder. You didn’t think about that, did you? No respect for mental health, huh? Don’t care about this serious issue that impacts one in four Americans, did ya? You little punk. I don’t get no respect. No respect at all. You come into MY house and bring ME crippling depression? You make me sick.
Let me tell you a little story, comrade. I was excited to wake up today. I was ready to be gifted with the joys of learning, to be surrounded by my fellow scholars, to engage with meaningful and weighty discussion. I woke up this morning, lifted my blinds, and was immediately filled with the tiredness and exhaustion that can only accompany seven straight days of cloudy, drizzly, grey days. Autumn, I blame YOU for flunking my physics exam, falling asleep in class, and ultimately missing my shift at work. That was all you, home skillet. I take NO responsibility. In fact, now that I’m thinking about it, it was probably a Vitamin D deficiency. Perhaps if the sun was out, I would have miraculously remembered whatever it was I had to remember for my physics test! Perhaps, if I had a tad more serotonin, I wouldn’t need those double black energy teas they have in Newcomb! Perhaps, autumn!
Sweet autumn, I call on you to remember the olden days. Remember when we were children, and everything was bright and gay? When we had four whole distinct seasons? How foolish were we to take it for granted. It was a simpler time, a holier time. When autumn meant falling leaves, not a dismal, grey purgatory. When stepping on leaves brought a crunchy, simple joy, and not a damp, depressing, squelch. I miss the crunch-crunch, autumn. A squelch-squelch just simply doesn’t do it. You know this about me. I love the crunch-crunch.
In short, if this is the attitude you’re going to have this whole semester, well, you can just leaf us alone. I mean it.
Best wishes!
Veronica Sirotic
P.S. Tell winter that if she brings that grey, slushy nonsense, she will be hearing from me.
Veronica Sirotic is the Humor Editor for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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