As no doubt you’ve heard already through the University’s shameless marketing, new President Jim Ryan has begun a tradition of taking students on his early Tuesday morning runs at 6:30 a.m. This savvy move is no doubt meant to increase his visibility and improve his public image as he is now officially inaugurated, and so far it’s had a fairly good turnout — 100+ students each time. But there’s a few things that bug me with about this weekly event. I implore the new administration to listen and consider the suggestions I offer.
First and foremost … 6:30 a.m.?! What kind of college student has the willingness — or even capacity — to get up at that godforsaken hour? I sleep through my alarm at 9 a.m., then 9:20 and then 9:30 before my roommate finally wakes me up in a justifiable fit of rage.
I don’t care who is leading that run, or how much free Bodo’s they’re offering afterward. I’m not going. Seeing as only 130 or so people joined President Ryan last week, I’d estimate that roughly 20,000 students agree with me.
Plus, what exactly do you do on this run? Are we allowed to talk with the president, casually chatting about clerking for Chief Justices of the Supreme Court, publishing books and being appointed to leading positions in some of the most prestigious universities in the U.S.? Or maybe the wife and kids? Or is this just an opportunity to do one of the most painful activities known to humankind in the mere presence of an esteemed individual? If so, I fear we’ve allowed ourselves to be unduly influenced by the pernicious brainwashers in the University’s marketing and outreach departments.
In order to appease myself and the multitudes of other students who have academic deadlines and require a decent 4+ hours of sleep per night, I suggest President Ryan change this time to something more humane. Maybe 2 or 3 in the afternoon, once we’ve actually woken up. I have no doubt that you’re busy, President Ryan, but I’m confident that you have the capacity.
This leads me to my second issue. Why does it have to be a run? Why did you have to choose such a dissatisfying, brutal activity? Couldn’t it be a different type of run? A Starbucks run, or a grocery store run? Not only do these things hurt less, but they lend themselves to more quality interaction between the participants. You’re not going to enjoy my company if I’m panting and moaning while jogging at a 9-minute mile pace.
And as I said, it doesn’t even have to be a run. Let’s do some yoga together, President Ryan! Squeeze into your wife’s Lululemon pants and head down to the AFC. We’re going to have to take over all of the basketball courts to fit in everyone interested in “Yoga with President Ryan.” You could be the instructor — a true exemplar of meaningful presidential leadership in the sphere of higher education!
Instead of constant reminders to, “remember to breathe into the stretch,” and, “relax your mind and body,” which really just stress me out, you could elaborate on your aspirations for the University’s future. You’d be a yogi and presidential visionary all in one.
A friend of mine suggested turning up the heat a bit and I must agree. Hot yoga.
I don’t think much more explanation on the benefits of this exercise is necessary. There’s no better way to integrate yourself into the University community than to sweat uncontrollably with its members in a tight, uncomfortable space. When it comes to that, you’ve got two options — Trin on a Thursday night, or hot yoga. Your choice.
The way I see it, the sooner you do it, the more pleasant the rest of your tenure will be. To be an effective administrator, you have to truly understand those who you are administering. Be proactive and do some yoga. Even if it doesn’t help you with your presidential duties, I hear that it’s very good for you.
Nick Juan is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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