Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
When I first came to U.Va., I was shocked by how much I heard the name Tony Bennett. The girls in my English class obsessed over him. Some guys in my anthropology class talked about how important he was in the Charlottesville community. I was astounded. While a massive fan of him myself, I had never heard anyone call him a “stud” until I got to U.Va., and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to be surrounded by people who had cultivated a love for him like I had, but I was confused at the utter passion some people expressed. It took me an embarrassingly long time, like, six months to realize that we were not talking about the same Tony Bennett.
I was talking about the 92-year-old singer, Tony Bennett. You know, the adorable old man who has all those crazy cool duets with Lady Gaga. The grandpa of the big band world who has only ripened with age. However, it has come to my attention that there is another Tony Bennett in the world, who apparently is a rather handsome basketball coach of a certain NCAA Division I team. Well, I am here to tell you that I will not judge you for your preferences, fellow youths, if you don’t judge me for mine.
Say what you will, but Tony Bennett (the real one) is a stud.
Change my mind.
For the reader’s convenience, I have created a little mental venn diagram to distinguish the Tonys. In the center circle, we have their similarities:
They are both named Tony Bennett. They both like to wear suits.
That is all.
Now I have done a bit of research on baby Tony to write a more informed article. It turns out he is, I suppose, what some would call “attractive.” He is also a former basketball player. Who knew? Also, his middle name is Guy, which I feel is second in “of course that guy plays basketball” only to Troy Bolton. His Wikipedia page is full of all his player history, coaching stats and other things I do not understand. That is about all I could find on him. He seems cute, suave, dapper even. But stud? That’s a title that needs to be earned.
Grandpa Tony (I refrain from calling him Daddy Tony for what I hope to be obvious reasons), was also a looker in his day. He was a soldier in World War II, he’s got 20 Grammy awards, including the Lifetime Achievement Award, and he’s an accomplished painter. I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t stud material. This is cute old granddaddy who sends you birthday money seven times a year. Alas, reader, I will prove you wrong.
First of all, Grandpa Tony was super flippin’ cute back in the day. In fact, after he married his first wife, Patricia, 2,000 female fans mourned the loss of his single status in front of St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York. Nothing says stud like a large group of women mourning your marriage.
Second, all the women Grandpa Tony has married have been stunners. Sure, I bet his money helps, but studs marry studs. I can’t help it. It’s science.
Third, Grandpa Tony has travelled the world and performed with some of the biggest names in music history, from Frank Sinatra to Lady Gaga, Ringo Starr to Michael Jackson and so many others.
In conclusion, while Baby Tony is an important institution in the Charlottesville community and apparently “the George Clooney of March Madness” he cannot be called a stud by the girls in my English class because that honor has already been bestowed upon Grandpa Tony. There can only be one famous stud per name. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
Katie Tripp is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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