We all know what time of the year it is. Stress is in the air, leases are reluctantly being signed and third-year students are running around with their heads cut off. That’s right folks, it’s Lawn room application time! Luckily for you, I’ve compiled a list of 10 simple tips and tricks to get you a prime position on the Lawn, 100 percent guaranteed. So, without further ado, here they are.
1. Be involved in the University community.
This step is very important. You must be the most involved because you are expected to be even more involved when you secure your Lawn room. What does “be involved” mean, you might ask? Who knows! From surveying a number of people currently on the Lawn, I have gathered that it encompasses a couple of things, including but not limited to, 1. pretending to be involved in running this school by joining a student governing body with no actual power, aka Student Council, 2. having rich parents who give lots of money to the University, and 3. being white.
2. Become a U-Guide.
This may not seem like an important step, but I assure you that it has more weight on applications than it appears to. Becoming a U-Guide shows how committed you are to this University, by doing a job for free that people at other universities get paid for! U.Va. loves people that just give and give without wanting anything in return, so having this on your resume is sure to give you a boost.
3. Have a high GPA.
They say it’s not important, but we all know it is. Don’t try to fool yourself. If you have even one C, you don’t have a chance in hell, although I admire your optimism.
4. Join the University Guides Service.
Did you know that 75 percent of people on the Lawn are in U-Guides, according to this statistic I just made up? Nothing proves you worthy of a Lawn room like joining an exclusionary organization that makes decisions cloaked in the guise of choosing based on talent and not inherent biases. After all, that’s what the University is all about!
5) Be on Honor Committee/University Judiciary Committee.
I mentioned this in step one, remember? The university loves it when students think they have rights and influence, so if you buy into this fantasy, they would be super excited to have you on the Lawn! By using these organizations with arguably too much power to get the imaginary prestige of a Lawn room, you can convince other naive students that they must also continue the sham of student self-governance to get fake clout.
6. Be in a secret society.
This is one is pretty obvious and goes hand in hand with having rich parents who donate to the school. Haven’t you ever wondered where these secret societies get their funds from and why the University doesn’t seem to care when they pull some election rigging bull or demand that their names be slapped on historic monuments around Grounds? If you also have these questions, I’ll let you in on a secret — it’s the money. It’s always the money. If you have enough of it, you literally answer to no one. Alternatively, if you are not in a secret society, replace this tip with “Buy yourself a Lawn room with daddy’s money.” It’s basically the same thing.
7. Grow up to be someone famous.
OK, so, yes, this won’t get you a Lawn room right now, but it’s possible that once you make a name for yourself the University will pretend you had one anyway. They love to pretend at beng some meritocratic sorting machine, picking and choosing the brightest and most talented students and helping them to soar to great heights in their chosen field. Even if they don’t claim you had a Lawn room, they’ll definitely attempt to profit off of you having once been a student, and isn’t that even better?
8) Be in a group that already has a Lawn room.
It’s just so much easier. Who cares about qualifications when your buddies like you? Why even worry about credentials when the oversight is so lax? Everyone knows the room is just going to be used for pre-games anyway, so between that and the fact that you’ll have to pee in the sink on a regular basis, it’s barely a desirable room anymore. That means even less competition!
9) Finally, be a part of Guides.
Who would dare deny one of the god-kings that walk among us? U-Guides are the monarchs of this university, and we are but simple peasants. If you are not in Guides, your grubby little hands shouldn’t even be allowed to touch a Lawn room, let alone live in one. Being a U-Guide is a qualification unto itself. Nothing says social clout, academic rigor and commitment to The University like giving tours to bored high school students and overly aggressive parents.
I hope these tips were helpful, and you go forward with filling out the Lawn room application while keeping them in mind!
Dorothea LeBeau is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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