The University’s Grounds are a UNESCO World Heritage Site, the only campus recognized as such in the United States. Accordingly, there are great expectations regarding our treatment of the infrastructure around Grounds. If you so much as even write your name on a desk at Clemons Library, a UNESCO representative will track you down and sever your hands. It is only a matter of time before they get the construction workers that repeatedly desecrate the asphalt on Emmet Street.
The Academical Village attracts thousands of tourists each year. If you encounter a feeble old man wearing both a Yankees jacket and a cowboy hat and babbling about his longtime career in taxidermy to any passerby with ears, don’t be alarmed — he’s a regular. I’m just glad my grandpa gets out of the house.
Streaking the Lawn is a unique tradition here at the University. Feel free to participate in the Friday night nudity palooza, but please do it responsibly. My first-year roommate scuttled down the Lawn one January night with arctic temperatures and reaped gruesome consequences. He developed pneumonia, which led to spinal meningitis, an enlarged heart, diabetes, cystic acne, syphilis and pubic lice. Fortunately, Mitch is doing much better now.
Secret Societies are another unique tradition at the University. There are the famous ones — the Zs and the IMPs — and the more obscure ones — like the HADS, Hoos Against Daylight Savings. If you are lucky enough to earn the keys to a castle, you still need to know the secret knock, and if you forget it, you’re getting booted.
A major part of college is the milestones. For many of us, that includes the V-Card. However, if you make a poor choice and come to regret your actions, appeal your virginity to the University Judiciary Committee. Those guys have an overwhelming urge to adjudicate something, anything, trust me.
Despite its moments of glory, college, with all its stressors, can be taxing on your physical health. Adhering to healthy habits is very important. Visit the Newcomb soft-serve machine in a responsible manner and take it easy with the mixed drinks. Splurge too much and you’ll soon find that “losing a few pounds” is like throwing a deck chair off a cruise ship.
For mental health matters, the University’s Counseling and Psychological Services, or CAPS, offers excellent care to students in need. However, high demand can hinder availability, so a little foresight in recognizing your mental turmoil before its onset would be highly beneficial. If you suspect he/she will cheat on you in about three weeks, go ahead and make the appointment. Historians have speculated that a prolonged wait time at CAPS was the catalyst that drove Edgar Allen Poe into a state of absolute lunacy.
Please know that you could be buried in the depths of despair and the University will still ticket your parked car. However, you can make it a one-time penalty. When you receive an orange slip, hold on to it. You can conveniently plant it underneath your wipers when needed, and never pay for parking again or worry about being in a no-parking zone — the orange slip is already there. Confidently approaching your car parked in the most illegal of places is a special feeling. Not super audacious? Just take President Ryan’s spot.
My next bit of advice cannot be overstated — choose your major wisely. That means not majoring in philosophy. If you do, after graduation you will discover that the only place eager to hire you is Ancient Greece. Then what happens? You end up making sandwiches for a living, and your coworkers will not care to hear all that Albert Camus talk on the assembly line.
Since you are officially a part of the Virginia family, the Alumni Association will forever attempt to suck you dry of all your dollars and dimes. Seriously, forever. As you read this, one of their goons is down at Oakwood Cemetery shaking down corpses after receiving a tip that the occupants of sector 17 are sporting gold toe rings. They don’t mess around.
Michael Lindemann is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com
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