Life as a first year is tough enough. Making new friends is part of the challenge. Throw in the possibility that any non-online new friend could be the source of serious life-threatening illness and any new interactions become even more fraught with peril. Do not fret, my yet-to-be new friends, I have successfully navigated these treacherous waters and I have five new friends — I think – it may be only one or two actually, but I don’t think the honor code applies to exaggerating numbers in this context — and I am here to share some strategies to guide you in finding new friends.
- While going about your daily activities, under no circumstance should you acknowledge the presence of anyone else who might be around you unless you already know that person. Not in the hallways, not on the lawn and critically never in the dining halls. Ignoring everybody will make you seem mysterious and cool so that everyone is bound to come over and want to talk to you.
- Do your utmost to make all facial expressions only with your mouth and only when wearing a mask. No frowns or raised eyebrows or eyes that glisten. This is CRUCIAL. Some argue this does not work because others cannot react to your nuanced or not nuanced responses to them. That’s the point. Keep your facial expressions to yourself. Don’t let potential new friends get an advantage by letting them see the real you – they may not like what they see. Keeping your new friends in the dark about how you are reacting reinforces your efforts from the preceding paragraph and you remain an enigma everybody is dying to figure out.
- Ask all potential new friends what their favorite place is to eat on Grounds. If they say Observatory Hill, end the conversation — you don’t want to be friends with them. If they are creative and unique and say Castle or Newcomb continue the conversation — they have potential in the “new friends” category. IF THEY SAY RUNK, RUN, AND I MEAN RUN AS FAR AND AS FAST AS YOU CAN. They most likely live in the wasteland that is Gooch-Dillard and nobody is worth the seemingly endless walk to that faraway land.
- This is a big one. If there is someone you think is cool in your Zoom class, you need to use this beautifully-crafted opener — “I have no friends and am socially awkward so please be my friend.” This never fails. It lets this person know your priorities right away, most definitely evokes sympathy and if they are from one of the many cultural backgrounds driven by guilt — like I am — they will have to talk to you. Also, a very important part of this step is to send the message in a public chat. That will not only demonstrate your self-confidence, it will also let your professor know that you could not care less about how rocks are formed.
- Next up, one of the best places to make new friends is in dorm showers. I am not talking about showering together, but rather showering separately while enduring a similar painful experience. It is said that nothing unites like a common enemy. In this case that enemy is a cramped, fungus-infected space, shooting cold water at you while you are completely exposed physically. The person in the nearby shower stall feels the same way as you do – what the f--k am I doing here? There is no better time to make a new friend because you both are pissed-off and willing to let down your guards. Scream at the cold water if you need to, and the other person may join in the chorus, and soon you are friends, if only for the moment. While you and your potential new friend have your guards down, this may be the opportune time to convince them that you are not actually some weird person who spends time writing a humor column in your dorm room by yourself.
- Finally, if all else fails there is one person who must be your friend. Just walk out of your room and down the hall. Knock obnoxiously loudly on the RA’s door. They can’t ignore you, and they can’t ditch you or pretend you are not there. It is their job to be your friend. BOOM! Instant new friend. You’re welcome.
It’s time to stop reading and go make some friends. Good luck my potential new friends and I will understand if none of you want to hang with me.
Malachy Dwyer is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
Correction: The Cavalier Daily previously listed Humor Columnist Ellie Wilkie as the author of this column. The actual author is Malachy Dwyer. The CD apologizes for the error.
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