Fellow Hoos, The Cavalier Daily has kindly allowed me a second column for which I am truly grateful. First, many thanks to all of you for lavishing me with gifts following my first column that helped so many of you flourish into social butterflies with a surplus of new friends. My advice is free, so please no gifts or financial rewards are necessary.
Alright, now that all of that is out of the way, let’s get to why you are all here, the key steps to throwing a party in your dorm, and getting away with it. First up, you need to decide which of your friends’ rooms you are going to have the party in. When deciding which of your friends’ dorms you are going to have the party in there are two key factors to consider — whether or not one of you lives in Gooch-Dillard and who their RA is. Plain and simple, no one ever wants to walk to Gooch-Dillard. There is no level of horniness or intoxication that will ever lead a human being to say the words, “Hey, we should go to Gooch-Dillard.” Also, to make things worse, their RAs must have watched “Hamilton” one too many times because they are writing people up like they are running out of time. After making the smart decision to avoid Gooch-Dillard, you then want to consider each person’s RA. While some RAs are more relaxed and slightly oblivious, others are more anal so make sure to pick a room with the former not the latter.
Next, we have a nice easy one — print out flyers with your full name, dorm building, room number and your phone number. Make it nice and artsy and be sure to have the word “party” right in the middle of it. Once you have these all printed out, just hang them up anywhere and everywhere. In addition to posters, you are going to want to also chalk down arrows to your dorm to make it easier for everyone to find the party.
Moving on to the setup. Step one, do not purchase alcohol or any drugs. You may be thinking this is your first year of college, not high school, of course we need drinks — but my counter would be that you want to get written up, not spend a night in jail with whatever frat bro decided it would be a good idea to shotgun a Four Loko. For the record — it is never a good idea to drink Four Loko, let alone shotgun one. It does not make you cool. It just makes everyone heavily question your decision-making capability.
So instead, you are going to want to get as many cool snacks and drinks for everyone to share. If you are feeling extra crazy, maybe even throw in some caffeinated beverages but be careful with those. Also, you need to get the biggest speaker you can find to have a true rager. You may be thinking, “My dorm is really small. Do I need a big speaker?” And the answer is yes because you need to make sure everyone else knows how cool you are and that you are throwing a party. For music selection, just keep it simple — any “Big Bootie” mix. If you play anything else, everyone will think you are lame and leave.
Finally and most importantly, make sure to always leave your door open and invite the RAs on coverage to your party. You want to leave your door open so that people feel welcomed and any passersby can hear the music and come on in. In tandem with this, you want to invite the RAs because if they are at the party, then can’t snitch on the party, so boom — double win. Also, if you are extra lucky, maybe the RAs will teach you how to play water pong, making the party one thousand times more epic in an instant.
Ok, that’s all I got for you today, have a good time everyone and DON’T FORGET TO ONLY PLAY “BIG BOOTIE” MIXES.
Malachy Dwyer is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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