Are you a third-year student who somehow missed the September wave of lease signings? Do you have a 4.0 GPA and no will to live? Let’s add one more thing to your list of to-do’s — applying to live in a Lawn room next year!
If you haven’t heard, U.Va. is one of the most prestigious universities in the country — forget all that “Ivy League” crap — but have you ever wanted to live an even MORE prestigious life? Well, what if you chose to live in less-than-ideal conditions for higher-than-ideal rent!
What is higher-than-ideal rent, you ask? Just the standard rent price for all college housing in Charlottesville. The best part is that your Lawn room rent will go to the University — to which you’re already paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
What are less than ideal living conditions, you ask? Instead of having a bathroom attached to your room, you can walk in your paper-thin robe into the great outdoors to get to the communal shower!
And if you like noisy neighbors, you’ll love hearing every University student walking by your room while they yell at their dad to put more money in their bank account. Also, in December, the University is going to throw a rave in your front yard — screw the chem exam you have the next day!
Was your first-year dorm room a little too roomy? Just wait for your Lawn room. Just like in the movie “Step Brothers,” you will have a bunk bed and so much room for activities. Activities you’ll be able to do include reading in your uncomfortable chair and texting in your uncomfortable chair!
Despite being chosen as the cream of the crop and one of U.Va.’s finest, living on the Lawn truly is a practice in humility because you will be right next to a faculty member’s mansion. Complete with a grand piano and classical art in the living room, U.Va. is sure to keep you humble.
As a Lawn room resident, you will have the most convenient housing of any University student, only a minute walk from most class buildings. This is especially useful during global pandemic-induced online classes. On your walk home from libraries you might even bump into someone streaking past you! They always say the first rule in real estate is location, location, location.
If you feel like you need interior decorating help, just open your door and let the public decide! During college touring season, you’ll be able to hear each mother’s comments on your duvet cover while you’re trying to write an essay.
If you ever feel especially lonely, that’s a good time to open your door, too. When your friends don’t invite you to lunch, you’ll still see them when they walk by your room! And renew your faith in love immediately after a breakup by watching newlyweds take wedding photos through your tears!
I hope you have wilderness experience because the only heating in your room will be a fireplace! Oh, and there’s no AC.
Hopefully this list of amenities has enticed you to apply. We know you have other stuff going on and you will need to maintain your grades to get in, but you should probably drop everything to write this application. Seriously, everyone should apply. Unless you’re not in a leadership position in every club or have a GPA below a 3.9. Again, we can’t stress enough how prestigious these rooms are. So many important dead people lived in the same exact spot. One might even think living in a shoebox breeds greatness. Happy applying everyone.
Emily Porter is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.
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