While most of us spent middle school battling underarm sweat and bacne, a select few walked those hallowed halls with a confidence only the hottest Aeropostale t-shirts and an entire can of Axe body spray can bestow. Those kids are the Kids Who Peaked in Middle School.
Just to clarify, I’m not talking about those socially competent, charismatic kids who have never had a bad haircut and go through life in easy mode. I’m talking about the ones who started skiing a downhill slope as soon as everyone else got their braces off.
My favorite genre of Kids Who Peaked in Middle School are the former Hot Boys. They almost always had flippy Justin Bieber hair and knew that they were better than you. This is a tricky archetype to maintain, however, as we all know how much a person’s appearance changes during puberty. Sometimes, these hot kids stop growing at five feet five inches. Other times, they attempt to grow a mustache and end up just looking dirty all the time. Almost all the time, they end up working a dead end job that they hate, often at a car shop.
On the flipside, we have the Hot Girls. These were the girls who had mastered Pinterest hairstyles. When Beyonce sang about “Becky with the good hair,” she was referring to middle school baddies. Despite many hours spent trying to mimic their perfect ponytails with little accent braids, my ponytail was always lumpy and my little braid was always uneven. Although curtain bangs are all the rage now, people weren’t as receptive when I parted my bangs down the middle while I grew them out, so I was never able to reach their level of Peak. There was a shortcut to reaching Hot Girl status, though, and that was having parents who would let you get highlights. I still remember the first girl who walked into the gym sporting a head of brown and yellow striped hair. I was obsessed. From that day forward, I vowed to be blonde, and would go on to spend the next nine years continually coloring my hair lighter and lighter until it became raggedy and broke off. Anyways, middle school Hot Girls often go on to join multi level marketing schemes. Although their hair looks the same, they try to regain that former feeling of euphoria by calling themselves “Boss Babes'' and convincing girls to join their clique — I mean business — and sell tea that makes you sh*t your brains out.
The other way to be cool was to have the Cool Brands. These include Aeropostale, Hollister, and Abercrombie and Fitch, specifically the t-shirts with the brand name on the front. If your mom squinted through the dim lights and inhaled enough body spray to cause cancer, you too could join the ranks of the Kids Who Peaked in Middle School. Of course, you couldn’t be really cool until you had a pair of clunky, overpriced UGG boots. And no, Mom, the Bear Paw boots don’t count! Some of these middle school fashionistas would keep sporting each season’s trendiest pieces. Those who peak in middle school, however, never got the memo that these brands died out. They continue walking through life as a human billboard, and wonder why people don’t ask them for fashion advice anymore.
If you peaked in middle school, I’m sorry. Please do better. And to those of us late bloomers who didn’t “find themselves” until they grew out their bangs and discovered salicylic acid, congrats. You’re probably funnier now. It’s only up from here.
Katie McCracken is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com
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