When you think of cults, you probably think of Scientology or Jonestown — something from the news or a serialized Netflix special — but whether or not you choose to believe it, there are cults all around you.
Often these cults are called “clubs” or “student organizations” by an administration that wishes to hide the truth, but let’s be honest, these cohorts of impressionable youth who have similar interests, spend every waking second together, live cloistered in houses demarcated specifically for that purpose and follow the guidance of one or two group leaders are just legitimized cults.
Below is a countdown of the top five cults found in most colleges, ranked based on the amount of time their participants spend together, the mannerisms and habits that they share and the scale to which their general culty behavior goes past the point of sanity.
5: Ultimate Frisbee
Were you not athletic as a child? But grew into your gangly limbs and slender physique sometime in high school? Are you the sort of person who thinks ping-pong is a sport? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to assign an absurd amount of significance to a station from your fifth grade field day? Do you wear crocs but non-ironically? Do you enjoy the company of your teammates a little too much? Ultimate Frisbee might be for you!
4: First-Years
The lanyard is to the freshman what the safety blanket is to the preschooler. Is it a necklace? Is it a card-holder? Is it unnecessary? What does it matter when you are constantly traveling in a pack of a dozen like-minded individuals? Get ready to get confused, cause they don’t know where O’Hill is and I’ve already forgotten.
3: A capella Groups
Let’s play guess that group! Who likes to sing? Who likes rewatching a 13 second cameo in Pitch Perfect? Who likes first-year girls? These guys! Suit up and grab your acca-puns for the pitchy-ist night of your life. There’s too many groups to count but suffice it to say the No-Tones are the best among them.
2: Comm Schoolers
If God came down to the University, his first stop would be Comm School. These little business tycoons in the making walk with a sort of assured confidence that must be either heavenly ordained or downright caustic. There is no spreadsheet these folks can’t tackle and Powerpoint is more exciting than porn. The layman might think they’ve got a grip on their financial future but just wait until they meet the Comm Major.
1: U-Guides
Did someone say over-committed? These go-getters talk faster than a burnt out “gifted” student on someone else’s adderall. Catch them all over grounds, showing prospective students every little thing about college except what actually matters — sex, debt and a handle of straight vodka. They smile more than they breathe, but if you dare to insult their beloved university they will verbally attack you with a fury only rivaled by the wronged housewives of day time television. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Ellie Wilkie is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com
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