Is the Earth flat? Does the Illuminati still exist in our world today? Is Hillary Clinton running a child sex trafficking ring out of a pizza shop? These are conundrums to which we may never know the true answer. However, there exists one controversial topic — a topic of which I am baffled that the indisputable answer has not yet arisen — that I must lay to rest by enlightening all of these ignorant liberals. Prepare yourselves, for I am about to speak a novel, shocking claim — “climate change” and “global warming” are completely and utterly fabricated.
To some of you, this notion may seem utterly preposterous. Some of you may cite sources like NASA, who noted that rises in carbon dioxide levels during the Industrial Revolution reached 300 parts per million — well past the never-before-exceeded level of 280 parts per million and almost half of today’s level of 420 parts per million. Some of you may point to shrinking ice sheets and rising global temperature levels. Others still might claim that the increased frequency of extreme weather events, such as hurricanes that have decimated the Caribbean, indicate that a fundamental part of the ecological system is dysfunctional, but who needs islands or Florida, anyways?
Now, I would never say that those of you who make these arguments are idiotic, or that you all are using unreliable, illogical and senseless sources, or that these are all liberal-loving conspiracy theories that only serve to give Democrats power. Fortunately for you all, I will not resort to petty bantering, especially against people who refuse to accept sound, reasonable evidence in favor of their bigoted theories. Thus, I have taken upon myself the task of educating the ignorant about the nonexistence of climate change.
First, I must address the claims that data exists showing an exponential increase in emissions of greenhouse gases. To me, this idea does not make any sense whatsoever, and it only demonstrates to me the absurdity of these “environmental activists”.
Thus, let me begin by proposing a question — how is it possible that a greenhouse can fart?
As the leading expert in all subject fields, I have attempted to analyze this question from quite literally as many angles as possible. Yet, after years of sitting directly behind the backdoor of a greenhouse in the hopes of catching any sort of flatulence with my exceptional olfactory senses, I can say with confidence that absolutely no greenhouses were farting. And to me, this deeply researched evidence is perfectly logical, considering that if greenhouses did indeed suffer from excessive flatulence, a medical professional would have already treated the problem and prescribed them some Beano.
Therefore, it can be reasonably concluded that greenhouse gases are not a real concept, which leaves the only other explanation for the origin of the notion coming about in the first place — it was a result of the Democratic party attempting to sabotage all of the other parties. Here we see the conception of an important, unavoidable question — are Democrats only denying conservative claims due to partisanship loyalties?
I cannot think of any other reason they would refute concepts that are scientifically proven to be true through methodical research experiments and thorough analysis of data, and if the answer to this question turns out to be what I now expect it to be, then it would be no wonder there is such a collective frustration against Democrats that they are not doing what needs to be done, all because of their fragile egos and pridefulness that will get hurt if they admit they were wrong about the existence of climate change.
You all identify with the naive “activists” who support the concept of “climate change” by sourcing unreliable scientific pieces of evidence instead of real studies conducted by me. You attempt to utilize easily-disproved evidence, such as greenhouse gases, to outwardly portray a concern about environmental welfare, when in reality, you’re just furthering political agendas. Your refusal to accept real scientifically-backed conclusions has made it evident that your only priority is to support political parties and that you do not actually know anything about the topics you are talking about. Even in recent environmental conflict, you become so quickly misdirected with false narratives that support your party’s agenda.
Thus, I must leave you all with a question, a question that has arisen as a result of your ignorant ways and party-driven desires — in a system divided so severely by political parties, is it even possible to separate politics from the other issues of the world?
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