Do you have right-leaning politics, no old problematic tweets and a lot of time on your hands? Governor Glenn Youngkin might have the job for you!
Youngkin is looking for a hardworking, dedicated, pro-life and anti-mask student who is willing to receive below minimum wage for long hours working with the governor as Chief Social Media Manager. Must have an entrepreneurial — meaning die-hard capitalist — spirit and a can-do attitude — meaning willing to work more and be compensated less. This individual should be willing to go the extra mile to provide content for the Commonwealth. Students in the University’s Frank Batten School of Leadership and Public Policy will receive preference, thanks to the kind contribution of $20,000 that Frank Batten Jr. made to the campaign.
Following a recent scandal which involved tweeting a photo of — and directing attacks towards — a minor, we here in the Virginia Governor’s Office want to take a closer look at what we are putting out on our social media, and the response it may garner.
For example, for Valentine’s Day, one of Youngkin’s servants, I mean interns, put together a hilarious meme of him eating candy with the caption “Be my Green M&M this Valentine’s Day?” Sadly, that post was not received well, as much of Youngkin’s fan base found it offensive to bring up the now un-objectified chocolate. In another instance when Youngkin asserted we had struck “comedy gold,” we shared a vlog-style clip of him “Making Pasta Great Again,” in which Youngkin spoke in a Mario accent the entire time. Suffice to say, this garnered a lot of negative attention from the Italian restaurateurs of the state.
Our team briefly posted a picture of Youngkin in his college days, but had to take it down before it went viral, since you can just make out a banner in the background that reads “Party Like It’s 1860!”
In what we assumed could not upset a single constituent, we posted a photo of Youngkin with his father. However, within hours the people of Virginia revolted after it was uncovered that Glenn Youngkin’s father did in fact play basketball at the, now disgraced, Duke University.
This position will be filled by someone who is okay with signing a nondisclosure agreement and also doxxing anyone who criticizes the Youngkin administration. Come prepared with fresh ideas for revamping our brand and dated ideas about literally everything else!
A good member of our team looks like a younger version of Youngkin, or one of the blonde anchor ladies on Fox News. No exceptions.
Wardrobe should be business casual, but able to hit the golf-course to shmooze donors — did you know Amazon invested $125,000 in our campaign?! In addition to a base salary of $4.50/hr, all new employees are given a $100 gift card to Vineyard Vines to get their sweater vest collection started.
Skills should include Microsoft Paint, spinning liberal narratives and ass-kissing.
Please submit your resume, transcript and a cover letter. If your transcript includes any courses that may be interpreted as “critical race theory,” such as Intro to American History, there is no need to apply. However, if you have had a run in with the Honor Committee, your candidacy may be advanced, as lying, cheating and stealing are crucial components of any government office.
On behalf of the Virginia Governor’s Office, we look forward to your application and servitude. Glenn Youngkin looks forward to making your acquaintance and exploiting your labor.
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