Since lugging all of my very heavy belongings to my car around a month ago and driving home to the luxurious Northern Virginia, I have had a lot of time to think about life. Why isn’t Ms. Kathy the University President yet? How can we get Bodo’s to monopolize the bagel industry nationwide? What can I do to get a student discount on gas? All this to say, I am now 10 times smarter than when I left Mr. Jefferson’s Academical Village. My newfound intelligence has opened my eyes to the true beauty that is the state of Virginia, and helped me to realize that Virginia is hands down the best place to be during the summer. I can sum up the main reasons why using the acronym DMV — because when you think of summer, the only thing that should come to mind is the holy trinity that is D.C., Maryland and Virginia.
D — Delightfully Damp
Just like D.C.’s presence within the DMV, Virginia’s humidity is a nice bonus that everyone likes to highlight — but clearly is still not the star of the show. This damp air envelopes you the moment you step outside during a nice summer day, giving you the most moist hug imaginable. I’m no sauna expert, but I can tell you that sauna visits or building your own personal sauna would cost you a pretty penny. However, you don’t have to worry about these expenses in Virginia! Every trip outside is a free sauna visit. Why pay to sweat when you can do it for free while trying to leave your house for the first time in weeks? Let all of your worries fade away as you stand in the middle of your front yard, feeling like a rotisserie chicken that’s still in the oven. Your skin will never glow brighter than when you have to wipe the sweat off of your face every two minutes to prevent it from dripping down and blocking your vision. This free special even comes with an all-natural tan! The state of Virginia is basically a free-spa treatment, just don’t let the millionaires find out…
M — Mosquitoes
Now I know what you're thinking — “Why would mosquitoes be a good thing?” They get in your face and try to suck the life out of you, just like college does, and summer does not mix well with education. The answer is simple. Mosquitoes help weed out the weak. Mosquitoes and other bugs reveal what a person is really like behind their external facade. Anyone can say that they’re “tough” and “afraid of nothing” but it's an entirely different thing to be within five feet of a bug and not have a panic attack. Your easy-going friend without a care in the world will act a lot differently once their mosquito bites swell up on their legs like overgrown warts due to their allergies. You are able to observe natural selection, acting on the human population, either mentally or physically, and conclude whether or not you still want to associate with these people. Mosquitoes are a natural red flag detector and Virginia carries them in bulk.
V — Vacation Spots
Much like a University student going through their fifth identity crisis of the week, Virginia just can’t seem to make up its mind about what kind of place it wants to be, which gives us ample vacation getaways within state borders. To the West, we have the Shenandoah Mountains. It’s the perfect place to drive 4,000 feet above sea level, take cute pictures at the first scenic viewpoint you come across and leave before you actually have to interact with nature — because that would be gross. Nobody ever actually goes hiking, it's a delusion created by the rich to make them seem cool and down-to-Earth, a delusion you can infiltrate with a few hours, a camera and a dream. If that’s not your scene, you can head East and hit up the beach. There’s nothing better than being surrounded by half-naked strangers, covered in sand that will stick to your body and follow you home no matter how hard you try to get rid of it — much like a stray kid in the airport who wants to know if you have games on your phone. If you exhaust these hotspots, you could always inhale pollution in Northern Virginia for that city-life experience, or have a staring contest with some cows in Southern Virginia to prove to your soulmate — who you met three days ago — that you “love animals.” The possibilities are truly endless in this State of Wonders.
Now that I have proved Virginia’s superiority, I will leave you with a mantra to keep close to your heart during these summer months — DMV baby, DMV.
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