The transition from high school to college can be difficult — new school, harder classes, more people. I should know after my very own first year! So what better way to prove my ever-growing University knowledge than to provide advice to my fellow classmates? Here are a few ways to succeed at the University, from your most qualified second year.
Number One — Use the Lingo!
Assert your dominance by making sure to mention the words “Grounds” and “first year” in every other sentence. This will prove to all of your classmates that you’ve, basically, been a student at Mr. Jefferson’s University for your whole life. For example, “Man, I really need to study on Grounds. Where should I go?” “Is that on Grounds?” “Do first years go there a lot?”
Number Two — Outsmart the Secret Societies!
Didn’t get poked? That’s okay! Tell all of your friends how to get into every secret society on Grounds — because obviously you know all that!
Number Three — Streak the Lawn!
Make sure you streak the Lawn on move-in day. This will make you go down in the books as one of the most ruthless partiers at the University, and you will instantly become the most popular member of your first-year class. Also, make sure you brag about it. People won’t remember you unless you remind them! No one will think you’re annoying.
Number Four — Be the First Person to Memorize the “Good Ol’ Song”
Memorize every word of this song by heart and be sure to correct all your friends when they get it wrong. You obviously know all the words and they’re gonna need to learn eventually! Everyone will be so grateful for your help.
Number Five — Become a Thomas Jefferson guru
After acknowledging all the horrible things Jefferson has done, you should also be sure to memorize the biography of his life. What University student doesn’t know about Jefferson’s pet bear cubs and his mockingbird? This information is essential and will carry you through your time at the University.
Number Six — Tell the frats “I’m on the list” and just walk in
They love when people come to their parties anyway! No one will be mad if you just walk in even if you’re not on the list. Especially not Chad, Tanner or Connor!
Number Seven — Find a RA who works at Trin
You’re a first year. You want to go to bars. It’s the way it has always been for years. If you want to get in, befriend an RA who works there. They love letting people in, it’s their job! They will not find you annoying at all — and they will make sure you get in even though you’re 18.
Number Eight — Wahoowa!
No matter what advice you decide to take from me, remember that your time will go by faster than you expect here, and you should savor it while it lasts. And remember to not take yourself too seriously and WAHOOWA!
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