If you are reading this, I assume that means you and I are alike. Come Halloween, we share a common turmoil over the desire to have a perfect costume but simultaneously take no actionable steps to make that into a reality. Quite frankly, we’ve really managed to drop the ball. As I write this, I am plagued by the decision of what to wear for Halloween. There are three nights — if you are doing the average Thursday to Saturday stint. Three nights of three perfect costumes that each capture everything I want to be or could be. Three nights of three different characters who are not juggling the bearing weight of collegiate life — lucky for them. And then, three mornings of waking up reeling from the excessive amount of sugar in BeatBoxes and praying the embarrassing memories don’t sneak up on you throughout the day.
For this weekend I could be the Joker, fitted with a sick purple jacket and deranged makeup, a Kiera-Knightley-esque pirate, liberated by my oceanic travels or even a grandma. The possibilities are endless, and I am a simple woman who is no match for the excitement of so many options. Each day, I come up with a new half idea and never explore it, handing it over to a premature death. It is like one of those home “renovation” projects that homeowners start and never finish, thus leaving their kitchen walls half-covered in cheap marble wallpaper from Amazon. I guess what I am trying to say is that all of my costume ideas are piss-stained walls half-covered in wallpaper. I need help. But, I’m writing this to help you.
Now, I am in a much better position than you. As I write this, I have over a week. But you? By the time this article is out, Halloween will be but a few days away, and you will be on the precipice of Halloweekend, waiting until the day of or the day before to choose your fit for the night. That’s a bit silly of you. Just a wee bit reckless. Yet, there is not a reason to worry — I’m here. My advice is like a sip from the Fountain of Youth, the song of birds in the morning and all of the other things that are beautiful, other-worldly and sublime. Just open your mind up to the gift of my word.
First, get in your damn car. Get on the bus. Hop on a Veo if you are feeling a bit showy — I’ve been there. Or, better yet, prepare yourself for a nice long walk down Emmet Street, in which you will get to see the wondrous views of construction, John Paul Jones Arena and Taco Bell. Next, go to a Halloween store. If you are looking for something close, go to The Party Starts Here. You want something with a few more options? Go to Spirit Halloween at Fashion Square Mall. There, you will find a mall whose status as a mall should be reevaluated, and you will have the option for exquisite fine dining at the Red Robin. Load up on some scorpion gourmet burgers and give the cockroaches a hello for me.
Next, and the final, simple step, is to buy your gosh darn costume. Now, I cannot tell you what or who to be. That is for you and you only to decide. If I cannot pick my own costume, then I sure as hell cannot help you pick yours. But, I will give you some options to explore. Be a movie character, princess, color, joke, superhero, politician, food — anything, really. Or, instead of choosing, just close your eyes, have a friend give you a little spin and pick the first thing your grubby little hands touch. Whatever method you choose, hurry up. The pickings will certainly be slim, as the best options have been taken by those with more forethought. But, I assure you, there will still be something for you to choose from. Your options might just be limited to cat ears, fairy wings or devil horns. It’s okay. We’ve all been there. Just snatch that costume up, join the long line of those with the same last-minute costume dilemma, check it out and there you go. Problem solved.
Although this advice is minimal and does not really give you much to go on, it is all I have in me. I have given you all that I am capable of, my entire heart and soul. Now, go on and enjoy the overcrowded bars, revel in your poorly thought out costume, drink to your heart’s content and soak in every bit of pleasure you can get from this weekend. Halloween weekend is the backbone of the college experience — don’t forget that.
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