As the scariest season of the year wraps up, it’s come to my attention that most people don’t know about the scary occurrence that happens on Halloween night — it’s an encounter that may leave you traumatized for the rest of your life. No, I’m not talking about couples dressed up as Harley Quinn and the Joker for Halloween. I’m talking about the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
If you are like me, most people do not know how Jefferson died. Well, a quick look at Monticello’s website reveals that Jefferson passed away due to a combination of exhaustion from diarrhea, an infection from a boil on his rear and urinary retention. With such an impressive resume, you would think he would haunt the Newcomb Hall bathrooms instead of the Rotunda. But, alas, who can blame Jefferson for haunting what his enslaved labo—uh, I mean what he worked so hard to build?
Now, the idea of Jefferson’s ghost roaming around might be scary, and you might even be considering canceling your Halloween night plans, but don’t you worry because I’ve got you covered. Here are my six tips for avoiding a translucent Thomas Jefferson —
- If you see white flakes on the floor, run. If it’s not snow, and it's not dandruff falling out of your overwashed hair — it's powder from Jefferson’s wig. That means he’s close, so turn around and be on your merry way.
- Carry a nickel with you. If you do happen to run into Jefferson, take the trusty nickel the University gave you at Opening Convocation and throw it at him, assuming you can differentiate between the numerous coins I’m sure you carry around in your pocket. Jefferson’s love for money — and his love for himself — will distract him long enough for you to escape.
- Stay clear of Jefferson statues. Walking near one of these statues, you may hear Jefferson complaining about how they got his “nose all wrong” and how his iron pants make his “butt look big,” though we all know it was the infectious boil that did that. Trust me, no one wants to be a part of his self-pity spiral. Just keep walking.
- If you have a room on the Lawn, be sure to close your blinds. Along with his many titles, such as “Father of the University” and “U.S. President,” Jefferson is also known to be what you may call a “Peeping Tom.” Or I guess I should say “Peeping Thomas.” Anyway, keep your windows shut and your door locked. If someone knocks on your door and says “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” instead of “trick or treat,” don’t answer.
- Don’t dress up as a famous historical figure. Despite it being the lamest costume known to man, dressing up like a famous historical figure might get you into some trouble. Role-playing as George Washington or Alexander Hamilton will ensure that you get a beat down from Jefferson, while dressing up as James Madison or Jefferson himself might get you a one-night stand with a ghost. Either way, it's up to you how you want your Halloween night to go.
- Don’t go trick or treating on the Lawn. It might sound obvious, but most people forget that it's an option. But let's be honest, y’all are way too old to be trick or treating anyway. Go home and do your taxes.
And that, my friends, is how you avoid and manage an encounter with Jefferson’s annoying ghost. While you may see Jefferson participate in other activities, such as streaking the Lawn at midnight and chugging jungle juice, none of these will personally harm you. Yes, seeing Jefferson naked might make you want to rip your eyeballs out, but as long as you avoid stepping in the neon green vomit Jefferson is sure to spew out, you should be in the clear. Anyway, Happy Halloween!
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