Daylight saving, the dreaded time of the year when the hour hand shifts forward just a few inches and results in a surge of unhappiness. Well, to all those daylight saving haters, here I present a few compelling reasons that will surely change your stance.
- Sleep is for the weak
The popular phrase “sleep is for the weak” is completely true. If you need more than five hours of sleep to get through the day without melting into your desk or any available surface, you are a certified weakling. Daylight saving recognizes the champions of our generation, because only a true winner can handle the sleep deprivation arising from violently shifting time forward in this fashion. Everyone knows that one kid who only needs five hours of sleep to operate at maximum efficiency — daylight saving is for people like them, who far surpass us lowly peasants that need seven or more hours of sleep.
- Helps you win “who-has-it-worse” competitions
Have you ever had a competition with your friends over who slept less, ate less or suffered more in general? Daylight saving aids you in dominating these kinds of competitions. Since your internal clock is out of sync with the sun’s clock due to daylight saving, you now have a higher chance of sleep issues, depression, headaches and cardiovascular disease. So the next time your friend says they only got five hours of sleep, you can one — up them and say you only got three and an increased chance of illness.
- No more productivity needed
Why do people procrastinate? Why do we weep and sob at the thought of
productive activities like working out, completing assignments or cleaning our room? The answer is clear — we hate productivity. But not to fear, for daylight saving is here! By rendering us sleepy, grumpy and horrendously fatigued, we are safe from ever reaching a state anywhere close to “productive” for at least a week. Thus, daylight saving reliably protects us from productivity, our mortal enemy. Every time this time of year comes around and I find myself staring listlessly into space instead of working on my essay, instead of shame, I can only feel gratitude.
- You need daylight to live, not electric light
Those electric lights on the ceiling? The glowing bulbs that illuminate your room at night when it’s dark outside? They’re fake. They’re artificial. Of course they can help you see, but there’s no vitamin D, no warmth, and no vibes. It is true that people eat, study, work, breathe, burp and see using light. However, it can’t just be any light. It has to be daylight. Think hard — would you prefer a puny light bulb or a magnificent burning ball of fire? I hate to say it, but size matters. That’s why we need daylight saving in order to survive or else the whole world will just stop functioning. It’s a fact.
- Time isn’t real
Time is merely a concept fabricated by society. If you think hard enough, you’ll realize that it is just numbers. And numbers aren’t real either, because they were also made up by humans. Daylight saving powers through the veil of dishonesty and lies we’ve been fed by completely obliterating our times and throwing our burdensome schedule into the gutter for rats to eat. No more of that foolish “oh, let me set an alarm at 8 a.m.” nonsense. People may complain about how what used to be 7 a.m. is now 8 a.m., but the real thing they should be complaining about is why 7 a.m. exists at all. Daylight saving is a hero for pointing out the truth, which is what I told my advanced writing seminar teacher when I showed up an hour after the class had started.
The answer is clear — daylight saving. If you haven’t been convinced of the joys of daylight saving by now, then I can only shake my head in sorrow for you, and hope that one day you will no longer be blinded by the foul trickery of sleeping in and being productive.
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