Reader, I must admit — I am terribly prone to procrastination. In fact, this piece that you’re reading wasn’t written until the day it was due. This terrible habit of mine has caused me immense difficulty — the Materials Exam I took before classes got out is a very concrete example of that. Picture this — I am hurrying through readings that were due for my 11 a.m. lecture, and all of a sudden a large tour group decides to take a pit stop right next to me on the steps of the Amphitheater. Those tour groups don’t just disappear during the summer. They lurk. They sneak up on unsuspecting students enjoying the day or “working” remotely or doing readings for summer classes.
This group, about 25 strong, was loud, happy and excited to be here — disgusting. They all seemed to be enjoying themselves, and the prospective students still had a sparkle in their eyes. Unable to concentrate any further on my reading, I struck up a conversation with some of the visitors. They told me where they were from — to no one’s surprise, they were all from NOVA — and the University sights they had seen that morning. They covered the usual — Newcomb Hall, Brown Library, and of course the Tundy, which some may know as the Rotunda. Soon after they left, I found myself thinking about what else would be important to show prospective students. With that, I humbly present to the University Guides Service, and to you, the reader — but mainly to the Guides — my suggestions for further sights that should be included on tours of the University.
Cohn’s
How can one adequately showcase student life on Grounds without mentioning Cohn’s on the Corner — I refuse to call it 7Day Jr. This staple of University life is a go-to spot for students on Grounds. I highly recommend nighttime tours of the establishment to catch the sight of first-years marching towards the shop’s bright, retina-scarring neon lights after getting bounced from Trin.
Clem 1
They say college tours are supposed to give you a glimpse of yourself in a few years time. A sort of mirror into the future. If so, Clem 1 is a natural choice to be included on tours because nothing else screams “If you choose to come here, you WILL develop a caffeine addiction.”
Sign People on the Lawn
Another University staple. These are the folks who sit on the steps of Old Cabell Hall with signs like “Does God Exist?” and “Why Generate Wealth?” and other such questions that leave me thinking “Heck if I know.” Most students choose to respond to these folks in one of two ways — awkwardly scurrying past them or volunteering themselves for hour-long conversations. I think it is best to introduce admitted students to them early so they can figure out which category they fall into.
Bodo’s Bagels
Quality bagels and good vibes. Why wouldn’t we want students to come to this location? Plus, it will also let the Admissions Office know whose acceptances to revoke — you know that one kid with the grating voice who inevitably goes “Not as good as in New York.”
Gooch-Dillard Residences
The crème de la crème of first-year housing, Gooch-Dillard is another must visit for any prospective student. After all, the brutalist architecture, the long walks to central Grounds and high likelihood of asbestos in the walls are just as much a part of the University cultural fabric as Jefferson and the Academical Village are. But don’t worry, Runk Dining Hall more than makes up for any chance that one has of developing chronic lung problems from living there.
That concludes my list of proposed additions to the Guides tours of Grounds. Some honorable mentions that didn’t quite make the list presented are as follows — Gilmer Weed Farm, the O-Hill Dish Return and Balz Library in Cocke Hall, hehe.
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