The University Programs Council released an announcement on their Instagram page Friday that they intend to make their future programs less appealing to the student body. This announcement follows a series of complaints from various students accusing the organization of incorrect estimations of the number of attendees who show up, resulting in most free merchandise or food running out minutes after programs begin.
“I showed up thirty minutes after they started, and they were already out of free merch,” tweeted an anonymous second-year student. “Where’s my f—king bucket hat, UPC?”
A variety of other complaints have also filled the DMs and comment sections of UPC’s social media accounts. These complaints span from rational suggestions made by students on how to “improve” the activities and programs UPC offers to profanity-filled remarks by disgruntled students who either showed up too late to events to claim free merchandise or held grudges due to being rejected by the organization after their group interview.
After what felt like centuries of silence on the subject, UPC released the following statement by means of social media.
“The University Programs Council is dedicated to serving the students of the University of Virginia by organizing a multitude of events and activities to be enjoyed by our diverse student body. It is our goal to elevate the experiences of this University’s population.”
“However, it has recently come to our attention that this University’s population is composed of tantrum-throwing toddlers who complain at the drop of a hat when they do not get what they want. It is evident we are performing our roles too well, and you all simply cannot handle that. Instead of running your mouths, how about you arrive at events early instead of showing up five minutes to an hour after they begin?”
“In response to suggestions from the student body, we have decided that all activities and events from this time on will be less enticing and less entertaining. This decision was made to reduce the number of attendees so that there are enough materials and merchandise to distribute. Clearly, the student body does not deserve us, nor do they appreciate our services enough.”
“For example, Wahoo Welcome will henceforth be named Wahoo Why Are You Here?, a week-long series of boring events that question why first years even bother enrolling at U.Va. We will distribute information on how to transfer schools. In addition, Springfest is set to become Schedulefest, during which students will finalize their class enrollments under the watchful eye of UPC staff and be subjected to various lectures on the organization of their daily routines. Other events to be added to our future schedule include a Tax Brunch — without the brunch, just at brunch hour — so students can actually learn something about the devastating reality of life. We are also adding an event called “No Bears, Just Scares” since you all go absolutely feral over stuffed animals. All future events, furthermore, will be presented by elderly, straight white gentlemen with the aim that a lack of diversity will continue to discourage student attendance at our wildly popular events.”
“Regardless of this decision, The University Programs Council will remain devoted to our objectives, which include programming elusive and weirdly entertaining events because anyone will attend them — even if announced only two days to one month in advance — for free stuff.”
The statement was signed “Peace out jabronies, UPC Executive Committee.”
A postscript noted that “the only reason we hand out bucket hats is to make you all look ridiculous.”
In a separate statement on Twitter, the UPC Chair admitted that “a few” events ran out of food and merchandise early into their start time. However, the UPC Chair defended the organization by illustrating that said programs made up the minority of all the ones they host.
“The only reason people are complaining is 'cause they didn’t get free stuff,” the UPC Chair tweeted. “Next time, have the decency to camp outside the night before.”
The student body has responded to the statement with a spectrum of emotions — the majority ranging between sadness, rage and for some, a realization that UPC exists.
An anonymous third-year student who had previously accused UPC of “psychological warfare” when she showed up half an hour past start time for an event, only for it to run out of items as she reached the front of the line after waiting over twenty minutes said she was “upset” she didn’t get free flowers at their last event.
“I didn’t think they would commit self-sabotage,” the student said.
Several CIOs and independent clubs have taken advantage of the situation in order to attract the attendees that UPC desires to lose. A select few have also accused the UPC of making the announcement as a marketing ploy akin to IHOP’s marketing campaign that they were changing their name to IHOb back in 2018. The University Programs Council turned down The Cavalier Daily’s request for a comment regarding the subject, and it remains unclear whether UPC intends to retract its statement in the future.
For now, it looks like students will have to buy their own bucket hats.
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