U.Va. to replace Scott Stadium with parking garage
During its first home football game of the season, the University was bursting at the seams. The University Department of Parking and Transportation struggled to provide parking spaces for thousands of football fans.
“At Parking and Transportation, we are problem solvers — we work hard every day to scam our students for the greater benefit of our bank accounts,” May Q. Broke said, a parking and transportation manager.
An anonymous student who feared for their safety on Grounds said they witnessed Broke muttering to herself about “stupid students” who think they “should be able to drive to school.”
“I don’t care if there’s not a sign,” Broke reportedly said. “I will ticket you. I will tow you. I will hunt you down and make your life more miserable than you could possibly imagine.”
Broke said Parking and Transportation is planning a “super sick” yacht party over winter break, and their budget is looking a bit too tight — “we need to rake in the cash,” Broke said.
“It’s really challenging,” Broke said tearfully. “The small number of parking spaces we offer limits the number of students we can tow.”
Thankfully, Parking and Transportation has found a solution — simply creating more parking spaces so they can “ticket and tow more students” on game days.
“We are excited to announce that we are tearing down Scott Stadium to build a giant parking garage,” Broke said. “This new garage will give us the space we need to profit from all of our football fans.”
A second-year student told The Cavalier Daily that they were “excited” about the parking garage and have started saving up some extra cash from the three jobs they work so they can prepare for the parking tickets.
Man bouncing leg in class causes magnitude five earthquake
If you felt a rumble on Monday at 10:32 a.m., you were not alone.
“I had just downed my second Red Bull of the hour. I wasn’t in control of my leg,” Shay Keyleg, fourth-year College student said. “I remember sitting in math class, watching my leg bounce a million times per second, but I couldn’t do anything about it.”
Keyleg’s leg shook desks and made the floor rumble so violently that several students popped out of their chairs. A stream of emergency vehicles arrived at New Cabell Hall in order to survey the situation, but were unable to enter the building due to construction blocking all of the entrances.
Officials in the U.Va. Health System recommend that students limit caffeine intake to 400 milligrams per day, except for during finals, on Monday mornings and when the moon is waxing.
“[The earthquake] knocked my hydroflask over. Now it has a dent. Thanks a lot, Shay,” a dehydrated second-year student said.
U.Va. installs cubbies for Lawn streakers
This morning, University President Jim Ryan announced that the University has installed cubbies for students who wish to streak the lawn.
“I couldn’t bear to watch their clothes get all wrinkled every night,” a UNESCO representative said.
A third-year College student said that she hopes students will take advantage of the cubbies, which will replace the steps of the Rotunda.
“Sometimes I look up at the Rotunda and see hundreds of piles of clothes thrown on the ground,” the student said. “I ask myself, ‘Is this really a good look for the University? Do we not have the decency to fold?’”
The University hopes the new cubbies will encourage students to neatly stash their clothes before running across the Lawn, as well as decreasing reports that students are stealing each others clothes during streaking.
Regulars can even request to install a custom name plaque in the cubby of their choice. Name plaques come in many different colors – “Birthday Suit Blue,” “Commando Crimson,” “Exposed Emerald,” “Disrobed Dandelion,” “Out in the Open Orange,” “Naked as a Mole Rat Navy,” “Don’t Look At Me Daffodil,” “Let’s Hope We Don’t Get Arrested for Public Nudity and Have to Spend the Night in Jail Without Clothes Because I’ve Heard It’s Drafty in the Cells Lilac” and green.
“I’ve been doing this every night for over three years,” a fourth-year student who frequents the Lawn said, pointing out their personalized cubby. “The Rotunda cubbies provide more than a house for our clothes. They provide a home.”
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