The U.Va. Dine Board of Directors have reported that O’Hill’s meat, specifically the pork and beef, has gained consciousness well ahead of the projected Oct. 29 marker.
Ever since the establishment of Observatory Hill Dining Hall in 1972, the meat has gained scary and spooky sentience ahead of each Halloween. At first, the event prompted 911 calls and job inquiries from exorcists. The occurrence has since become part of University culinary tradition.
Over the course of a few days, the bewitched pieces of meat first gain the ability to communicate, speaking by vibrating their sinew in intervals matching Morse code. Then, they gain the crude constructs of facial features. Eyes, ears, a nose and a mouth will pop up about the tissue with no rhyme or reason. Lastly, the creatures gain appendages necessary for movement. Arms and legs come a dime a dozen for the cheaply and dubiously sourced chunks of beef, pork and chicken. The length of time the meat is animated corresponds to increased size and disfigurement.
Dining hall staff release these haunted hunks onto McCormick Road right as the clock strikes midnight on Hallow’s Eve. Students then partake in an annual tradition where they chase down the enchanted pieces of meat and return them to their proper receptacles at O’Hill. Once sufficiently beaten, or upon hitting 6 a.m., the meat loses its possessed property. That loss of enchantment marks the end of Halloween on Grounds.
The haunted happening was first observed by Harold Weener, an alumnus of the now-defunct School of the Sorcery. He reported the recurring cycle of possession in his senior thesis, a requirement for the Dark Arts major.
Throughout his 10-year-long project, he recorded that the process of possession never began until the Thursday before Halloween. The ever-arrogant Weener came to rest his entire career upon this conclusion.
“The Thursday ere, no fear of life veal or other meat,” Weener reported. “Yet if this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever Halloweened.”
For over 50 years, his conjecture held true. But this year has proven differently.
“First signs of consciousness have been reported in the meat before the Weener mark,” board member and Halloween director of Observatory Hill dining Morgan Mimer said. “With bigger, faster and uglier pieces of chicken than ever before, this Halloween will be one to remember.”
The extraordinary nature of this meaty cohort is not all blood and screams. It will require a logistical feat from Mimer and her team to keep the astounding meat from escaping before their release date.
“We are currently running double shifts to guard the especially rambunctious devils,” Mimer said.”If the meat goes hard and starts destroying their cells, it is very likely that we may run out of incarceration infrastructure. We ask the community to donate any spare bike locks, industrial chains and dog cages to prevent a tragedy.”
Even with the chance of premature release of the meaty amalgamations, students are still more than excited.
“It’s totally rad and gnarly to see those things be massive this year. I’m gonna hit so many of ‘em with my truck,” said Nico Cannales, a fourth-year student in the College. “I usually drink before driving on Halloween so I can swerve better and hit more of ‘em. It works.”
All is still up in the air for this Halloween and its cohort of bewitched meat. How many arms will each have? Will they have teeth like last year? Which students will gather the most meat appendages? Only time will tell!
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