It is a dark and stormy night. You are sitting on the first floor of Clem, frantically flipping through your notes in a last-ditch effort to memorize everything you need to know for the exam you’re taking in the morning, when all of a sudden the lights start flickering. At first you ignore it — the three energy drinks you chugged are probably causing you to hallucinate. Yet, just as you are about to start googling jobs that don’t require a college degree, you hear a banging sound on the window next to you. It’s your class crush and they are somehow ugly now! Oh no! The zombie apocalypse is here, and your only chance at survival rests on you sticking with one of these three people.
Survivor #1: The People who Interrupt Large Lectures to Ask Questions
We have all been in a lecture class large enough to populate a small town in rural Virginia at some point in our college careers. These lectures are cruel, unforgiving environments, led by super smart professors who do not actually know how to dumb things down enough for a college student to follow what they are saying. A collective fear of appearing inadequate coats the air of these classes like a first-year boy’s overly sprayed cologne, preventing us from showing our weaknesses and asking what on Earth the professor is talking about.
Well, it does not prevent all of us. In these danger zones, there is always at least one person who fears nothing. One trailblazer who will raise their hand while the smart professor is mid-sentence and ask a question that could have been a Piazza post. These inquisitive minds have looked public shame in the face and simply scoffed, sacrificing any shred of anonymity for a good grade. In a zombie apocalypse, I have no doubt these hand-raising champions would keep you alive by simply intimidating the zombies through interrogation. By bombarding any zombie you come across with a slew of intense questions that will make them want to curl up in a ball, your partner in crime will cause zombies to simply turn away in shame to look for a less self-assured victim.
Survivor #2: The People Who You Have Never Seen Drink Water
There is always one person in your friend group who never leaves the house without a coffee or an energy drink. When was the last time you saw them drink water? When was the last time you saw them carry around a water bottle? Wait a second, do they even own a water bottle? These dehydrated daredevils are already survivors, waking up every single day and deciding that basic necessities are for the weak, and they are not weak. A zombie apocalypse is child’s play for these caffeinated class-acts. If you stick with an individual like this during the apocalypse, they will give you all the water you two find even when you insist that they take at least one sip before the Celsius they stole from the boarded up convenience store you passed an hour ago sends them into cardiac arrest. The pure caffeine that makes up 70 percent of their body composition will allow them to deck any zombie in your path before they even realize what is happening. Just make sure that these jittery jousters never run out of their emotional support beverage.
Survivor #3: The People who Somehow Know Everybody
At least one of your friends is a campus celebrity. Whenever you are with them, you notice that every single person within a mile radius seems to flock towards them, making their connection known via a wave, a hug or an insanely elaborate handshake. Sometimes you just cannot help but think that this person cannot truly be your friend and that you are simply one of their hundreds of adoring fans. This simple superstar is untouchable. Once any zombie realizes that you are with Dave from Introductory Biology or Dave from Outdoors Club, they will give said Dave a hug and leave the two of you alone. Dave does not deserve to become a zombie and everyone knows it. Since you are with Dave, I guess you do not deserve to become a zombie by association. You and Dave can make it through the apocalypse sipping Grit Coffee on The Lawn without a single care in the world.
I would love to give you more survival advice, but I can hear the zombies knocking on my door as I frantically type this with two fingers because I never actually learned how to type properly. Good luck my friends, I will see you on the other —
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