We’ve all been there — 9 a.m. on a Monday, just trying to make it through your first class of the day that, as a result of your poor planning skills and slow reflexes, happens to be a completely unnecessary discussion section. It’s fine for the first five minutes while your TA shuffles papers and 20 other pairs of eyebags settle into their chairs. And then the peaceful silence of the class is bombarded by That One Kid Who Won’t Just Shut Up.
They’ve been up since 6 a.m. — their first class is a uselessly niche comparative politics lecture — where they’re forced, day in and day out, to listen to a professor who has the audacity to assume they each have an immense amount of knowledge on the topic. They can hardly stomach it. Their arms are disturbingly toned from holding their hand up for 15 minutes straight, blocking whoever was sentenced to sit in the auditorium chair directly behind them.
And now they’re here — directly across from you an hour later, eye twitching from the customary early class silence. So, what do you do to get them to stop disturbing the peace? Here’s a few options.
The Aggressive Nod-and-Interrupt
This is the first option for anyone who wants to beat their target at their own game. And it’s not for the weak — you actually have to participate in discussion to use this method. As they approach the end of their long-winded “contribution,” start bobbing your head — like one of those guys in the gym who gets a little too into their drill rap playlist— and verbalize your impatience with at least three “mhmms” every 30 seconds. At the least, they will shut up as you begin to bulls—t a few sentences with the confidence of an alt-right member of Congress. But at the most, your target will believe you’re on a dangerous combination of Celsius and ADHD-related medications and back off.
The Subtle Earplug
For shier students, the subtle earplug is a personal favorite and a quintessential skill for those protecting their peace. You know you can’t change people — especially people who love hearing themselves talk and unfortunately have never realized that maybe that is not a totally positive trait — and you are comfortable with that. But you haven’t mastered not getting second-hand embarrassment, and that is why the earplug is perfect for you. Forget taking notes — put your head in your hands and cover your ears in a low-key way that screams “I am trying to dissociate and it is not working.” It’s not a total fix, but class discussions don’t last forever. Unless you’re in hell.
The Passive-Aggressive In-Class Comment
This one is for anyone whose mother has ever berated an unwitting Target employee on a Black Friday in 2011, or for people who haggle over prices on Facebook Marketplace. It can be hard to set up, but done right, That One Kid Who Won’t Just Shut Up will lose the attitude and gain some well-deserved academic PTSD. The key is to base your passive-aggressive comment on something they mention in class, preferably a super niche topic that doesn’t even connect to the subject of discussion in the slightest. Then, channel the kind of suburban intonation that would burn the top layer of a service worker’s brain off for the delivery. Phrase it as a compliment, obviously — we’re being passive-aggressive, not uncivil. The only downside is this could potentially add to their victim complex. No, it’s definitely going to. Sorry.
Setting Their Backpack on Fire With Your Mind
For legal reasons I can’t really go into detail. But if all else fails, duct tape is $3.99 and you can always plead not guilty.
If none of these work, don’t blame yourself. And if you are having a great time in discussion sections, you’re probably the only person feeling that way, or you’re the TA shuffling papers and pretending your students are interesting.
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