Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
Well Wahoos, it finally happened — the information center at Newcomb Hall screwed over U.Va.’s entire student body by dissolving their free printing policy. Once a haven that provided everyone with 50 glorious, free pages of printing per day, the Newcomb information desk is now a cruel reminder of what could have been. There are now many poor, defenseless souls who are forced to hunt for another place to get their egregiously long class readings printed out. The University’s decision to revoke student printing at Newcomb Hall — definitely not because the Jefferson Council threw a hissy fit about posters against Abigail Shrier printed en masse in Newcomb Hall — has rendered many uncertain of where they’ll go for their urgent printing needs. Sure, there are other places on Grounds to go to for printing, but how does one access those printers without feeling like an intrusive vermin sucking resources dry? Have no fear — by using these three printers and methods for guilt-free free printing, you will be back to killing trees in no time.
Location #1 — That One Kid in Your Building That Has A Printer
There’s always one. From your roommate, to a hallmate, to that weird kid down a few floors that does nothing but go to class and play Animal Crossing, the possibilities of a printer, conveniently located right where you live, are endless. This is a great option for those who want to avoid roaming around Grounds as much as possible, but it does come with a steep toll — you must invest totally and completely. In order to print from this printer as frequently and freely as you please, your only option is to become this person’s best friend. By any means necessary. Over the course of several months, build a rapport with your printer-owner of choice through emotional bonding, shared interests and bribery. Be there for them when they go through a nasty breakup, buy them lots of gifts or become their gym/study/Animal Crossing buddy! Essentially, your life as you know it now revolves around this person. But remember, at least you’re getting a printer out of it.
Location #2 — Jefferson Scholars Foundation
Maybe you have run into them in person, or maybe you have stumbled upon them in droves bragging about their status to the echo chamber of LinkedIn. But no matter where you go at the University, a Jefferson Scholar is sure to be nearby. Luckily for you, this means a printer is nearby as well. Simply follow one of these ever-present lovers of ‘ol Tommy J to the Jefferson Scholars Foundation, otherwise known as the secret lair of students that will probably end up running the country — into the ground — and root around for one of their printers. If the Jefferson Scholars Foundation reminds you of that rich people's house from “Parasite,” it’s probably because they are also hiding people in their basement — let's hope the OK Energy guy gets out soon. Wander around this glass-paneled oasis for a while and who knows what you might find besides a printer.
Location #3 — Faculty Residences of U.Va.
If all else fails and your printing ventures at the other two locations have gone awry, worry not! The third and final method of accessing free printing on Grounds also happens to be the most dependable. The residence pavilions on the Lawn that many printers — I mean professors — call home can be accessed a variety of ways. If the front door is locked, go through the gardens and check if the back door is open, then slip right inside. If it’s not, knock very loudly and put on an act for the people who come to the door to convince them why you need to enter their residence for free printing. Perhaps you are a sick child whose make-a-wish is for a freely printed 20-page paper on prokaryotes, or maybe you’re an aspiring door-to-door vacuum salesperson who just needs another copy of their sales sheet. Whatever scene your imagination can dream up, leverage it for all your printing desires. And if neither of those work, you can always go with the old faithful — grab something heavy, throw it through the window, crawl in, print your things and leave before Timothy Longo has a decent description of you to put in an email.
In trying times like these, it is important that University students use their resourcefulness and intellect to their advantage. But, it is also important to remember that we probably wouldn’t have to if the University could just suck it up and give students back their printing privileges. Better yet — next time a bigoted speaker is paid to visit Grounds, someone should consider just spending the money on more printer ink instead.
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