Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
As I stared at my Google calendar in the Clemons stacks, finally awake after sleeping for my entire spring break, I realized something absolutely heartbreaking. There are no damn breaks from here on out. I went week by week in March, April, May, and not a single dark green “Holidays in United States” graced any of the days. No excuses for missing class, no club meetings to blow off — the months were turning into a government-mandated second semester speedrun and me, a runner with a broken leg. I could tell both administrators and people in a post-January haze had made a massive oversight about the spring break to finals calendar.
But I could fix this. Greta Thunberg’s war on plastic utensils was nothing compared to my war on the lack of joy and whimsy on college campuses in the United States. I resolved to find holidays for that weird part of the year where you sort of see the sun setting but not enough to get a good photo out of it. And before you do, don't say “there’s St. Patrick’s Day,” because that only proves we were so lost for ideas that we stole a holiday from another country. Of course, there’s Easter, but most of us aren’t down to deal with grown men in bunny suits, religious obligations — or objections — aside. Daylight Savings exists, but I don’t sacrifice my morals to endorse fraud. In light of these underwhelming options, I came up with a few of my own holidays for those of us who need something to celebrate, or at least a good alibi for skipping class, and whose friends were selfishly unwilling to change their birth certificates to “any day in March.”
Mythical Woodland Creature of Your Choice Day — March 27
First off, don’t say “this is just bootleg St. Patrick’s Day” because it’s completely different. In keeping with the Honor Committee’s ideals, I only steal on a case-by-case basis, and this is a case of selective borrowing. Sick of leprechauns getting all the attention when they don’t really contribute to society except by annually dyeing the Chicago River green? So is everyone else. Where’s the love for gnomes, unicorns, dragons or orcs? We need a day to celebrate the gremlins of the world that doesn’t involve comparing them to that kid who never shuts up during a way-too-early discussion section. All I’m saying is it's time to show some respect to those creepy little yard figurines grandmothers keep on their lawns. Do a favor for the habitual victims of newly licensed drivers running up curbs — if you see a garden gnome, move it a few feet back.
Beyoncé’s Birthday — April 4
Before you say anything, I know Beyoncé’s birthday is in September, but I had to take some liberties with scheduling. This author is not in any way supportive of Jay-Z, but I was searching desperately for another holiday, so his and Beyoncé’s anniversary will be celebrated as her second birthday. Although it has been a lovely year of Swiftie appreciation, football season is over, and now 2024 is just another year without a national holiday set aside for the Queen. Who have we become? If she can’t be president, she’s at least getting her face on some form of currency… right? I’d steal that 2016 Album of the Year Grammy from Adele’s residence, but the average celebrant can just stream “Lemonade.”
Flat Earth Day — April 22
There are two things that are important to me in this world, and that’s the Earth and wacky people. On Flat Earth Day, you get both in a package deal. Before you tell me “this is too wild of a holiday,” there is a T-shirt being sold on Amazon with four glowing reviews that contradicts your point. Maybe we need a little weirdness to call attention to our preconceived notions about spheres. We live on a globe because that round plastic object in your room with the continents slapped on it said so? Really sounds like what they want you to think. On April 22, find the nearest CD — if you’re old enough to know what that is — and reconceptualize Pangea as the ultimate cosmic frisbee.
Whether you love post-spring break or feel like this is your personalized circle of weather hell, these new holidays can help bridge the gap and provide some positivity during this trying time. It’s not like we have to study for midterms or anything. Wait—
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