Sweaty palms. Rigid, fighting breaths. Tapping fingers. Pretending to look at my phone which, obviously, had no notifications. Yes, I remember this all quite well — a personal nightmare. It was my first official staff meeting as one of the newly elected Arts and Entertainment Editors for The Cavalier Daily. I could not believe I was there. Neither could my body, as my profuse fidgeting and waves of nerves continued through the presentation.
Being an editor was a far cry from my previous role as a staff writer. Back then, I was not in the spotlight. I could keep to myself and write articles in peace. I knew a few people in the organization, but not all that well. For a first year with crippling anxiety, this was all well and good.
But one day, something changed. Perhaps it was the slow yet important acceptance into The Cavalier Daily, or maybe it was the realization that I should take on a new role for the experience. In any case, when November of 2021 came around, I made the decision to apply for the editor position for the A&E desk. And, when elections came around, I was lucky enough to get it.
Was I really that lucky though?
In the first few weeks, I definitely would have told myself, “Absolutely not, you strange and confusing idiot. What did you get us into?” This new leadership position weighed heavily on me. As much as I hoped to mentor incoming writers and carve out a safe space for those interested in the arts, I found myself floundering and acting distant during meetings. I had no idea what I was doing. Man, what was I doing?
Well, I was figuring it out the best I could. As I would soon find out, others around me were too. Although it seemed that all the editors and writers knew exactly what to do, I grew to realize that many were in my exact position. It was our first time taking on such a major responsibility and time commitment, and we had to learn that none of us could be perfect at our jobs all the time. What mattered most, though, was the idea that we were meant to be there. We had an enthusiasm for the work and wanted to keep at it — shoutout to the 133rd term! Over time, my insecurities faded and I felt more comfortable as a leader. Chaotic print nights and our cubby of snacks also helped a ton.
My reign as A&E editor had to end, however. And once the Fall 2022 semester was over, I thought my career at The Cavalier Daily was pretty much over as well.
Until I got a text.
You might know her as the former editor-in-chief, but to me she is just one of the many cogs in the newsletter publishing machine — someone by the name of Ava MacBlane sent me a text on a brisk January morning, asking me if I would be interested in becoming the next Newsletter Editor.
I was riding the high of a successful term as A&E editor, so I had to say yes. Soon, however, that familiar slap in my face of imposter syndrome returned, ever-present and unrelenting.
Until that point, I had gotten into a routine — editing articles under a tight deadline, giving feedback to staffers, and working with the managing and junior board to get good content out. But the newsletter was completely different, so out of my comfort zone. I was tasked with sending out a daily newsletter recapping our most relevant articles, giving tidbits about current University activities and even sharing reflections that gave the newsletter a personal touch. It was so much more than before.
For objective lit, you write the article. You’re neutral. You’re the messenger. For the newsletter, you’re a personality. You’re readers’ first connection to the paper. People care about you and what you’re representing. In A&E, you write articles and a spam bot comments underneath it. No sweat. With the newsletter, feedback was direct. If the community was pissed off, I heard about it. I got it all — from the beautiful musings of business owners reflecting on their relationship to the city to the heartbreaking emails from alumni recounting the Vietnam War draft lottery while they were in attendance at the University. I had to be vulnerable in a way I had never been before, giving insight into my personal affairs as well as my opinions on the world around me.
I had no clue what I was doing in the beginning — I was a babe in the woods. However, once I fell into the routine of writing again and got much needed words of encouragement from the newsletter team, it became an enriching and gratifying experience. I got closer with the University and wider Charlottesville community in ways I could never have imagined. People around Grounds recognized my name, and I would get emails out of the blue from local residents thanking me for my work. I also got used to pretending I was interesting enough to warrant a constant blurb about my life — ever wonder why I had so many riddles in there? And I gained a new perspective on journalism and work in general, one that I am sure to take with me wherever I end up going.
So here it is — do not let imposter syndrome and first pains fool you. Now that I am about to graduate and can reflect on everything I have done, I know I got to where I did because I was intelligent and capable. Breathing through incoming anxieties was vital — it is normal to have some worries, after all. Ultimately, though, I now know that success in a role is possible if deep-seated passion is the main source of motivation. Being super cool also helps.
Mary Kurbanov was Newsletter Editor for the 134th term of The Cavalier Daily, Arts and Entertainment Editor for the 133rd term and an arts and entertainment staff writer in the 132nd term.
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