Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
For some of us, surviving class is about anything but academics. It’s about surviving the everyday battle with your obviously infatuated TA. They constantly inundate you with romantic advances — asking you if you need any help, wanting to look over your answers and ogling at you when you walk into class late. The conclusion is obvious. They want you!
When you're caught in the clutches of a committed romancer, escaping their gaze can seem near impossible. Nevertheless, there is no need to fret. As someone with years of experience in dealing with head-over-heels in-love TAs, I have five foolproof solutions for a poor unfortunate soul like yourself.
Disclaimer: These methods have all been tried and tested on my Alien-Phrenology TA. Names and story facts have been changed to protect the innocent — me ...
1. Go To Their Office Hours
It may feel counterintuitive to enter the belly of the beast to fight off romantic advances, but believe me, it works surprisingly well. A TA’s office hours are rarely attended, so you’ll have plenty of time and space to deter them. Typically, the sandwich method works best. You want to first compliment them. Say you love their outfit, eyes or even their smile. Next, layer in the main problem — their unwanted advances. For example, proclaim that though they have pretty eyes, you don’t appreciate it when they stare you down during class. Then, top it all off by saying you love them. If they seem disgusted, they’re just being defensive. After all, your kind words can only do so much to soften the blow of them losing their dream partner.
2. Send Them an Email
If face-to-face confrontation isn’t your thing, an email can always be what seals the deal. Briefly address the topic in the subject line — “Our love,” “Ogling issues” or “Leave me alone” all work wonderfully. Address them kindly by opening with “my love,” “sweetie” or “sweetheart.” You wouldn’t want to put them off! Then, get to the meat of the issue — their unrequited love for you. Mention how they grazed your hand or always glance in your direction. Try to keep the email brief for dramatic effect. After all, brevity usually works on Tinder!
3. Take the Issue Up the Ladder
Sometimes options one and two may not work as some people can’t take the hint. So force the hint onto them. Go to your professor and confess that the TA has been making advances towards you. Repeat that you are only a mere collegian caught in the sexualizing gaze of your TA. If the professor asks what that even means — or worse — for evidence, accuse them of also being in on this plot. Make sure to escalate this issue as far as you deem necessary. The deep state plot against you runs deep. Who knows if Jim Ryan is involved?
4. Deliver Them a Gift
Sometimes though, a TA will keep shooting their shot even when they’ve had a talking to from their superiors. They’ll romantically avoid eye contact with you and generally play hard to get. The solution to this matter is as simple as killing them with kindness.
A small gift can go a long way into repairing a toxic relationship. It is incredibly important, however, that the gift does not imply something you don’t wish it to. To avoid any awko-taco stumbles, I’d suggest being direct with your intent. To indicate that any spark between you two is just puppy love, gift wrap an animal. Extra points if it's their family pet. When I sent my TA their family dog Churro, it got a sweet reaction. Their whole family was so impressed, they called the police to share the news! If you prefer something more artistic, print one of the candid pictures of them you have stored on your secret camera and give it back all torn up. Direct communication is key.
5. Just Give In
Some would say to avoid temptation, but we’re no longer in the Puritan age. So, if you feel so inclined, let your TA know that you’re ready for it. Email them your address and wait for the magic to happen. I’m sure they’ll respond favorably.
I hope you all have learned a lot. My personal admirer, my Alien-Phrenology TA, has responded very favorably to these moves. She wants to meet me in conjunction with the alien civilization she discovered — she’s still in love.
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