Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Are you looking for the perfect place to live, a place that can be a home, not just four walls? Look no further! Consider applying to one of the University’s esteemed residential colleges. These residential colleges are perfect for first-years who want to remain close to the University’s hallowed halls. Certain questions may come to mind when considering said housing options —
- Question — What is the purpose of them?
Answer — These colleges exist to foster unique communities surrounding education, international comradery and sustainability — for now.
- Q — How are residential colleges structured?
A — They have their own student-run councils and boards, so be prepared to either invest in this civic duty or completely ignore their existence.
- Q — Are the dorms accessible to everyone?
A — Of course they are! As long as you do not mind a lack of elevators, long distances and lots of stairs.
- Q — Who wants to live in a building that projects itself as a tight-knit community but is actually an isolationary hub bogged down by orange-blue tape?
A — You!
When applying to one of the residential colleges, you have plenty to choose from! Three, to be exact. You can apply to the one where the fire alarm goes off almost every week, often twice in a row — cough, Brown Residential College. Or the one that you have to walk over twenty minutes to reach central Grounds — cough, Hereford Residential College. There is also the one where if you don’t make friends in the first week, you will succumb to in-residence social isolation — cough, International Residential College.
While each residential college is distinct, there are also characteristics that you can expect regardless of which you pick. At each college, you can count on illness spreading quicker than the ‘Good Old Song,’ underpaid RAs and SRs working overtime when University management chooses to go silent and most utilities having yet to be replaced as part of a bad landlord tactic to get students to leave the dormitories.
A fun aspect of the residential colleges is that their communities, cultures and conditions are constantly changing and evolving. Such adaptability and flexibility is necessary to help students grow throughout their time at the University. Like the saying goes, “If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes” — in this case, several months. One semester everything may be fine, the next semester, your in-suite bathroom may begin leaking an amber-colored liquid from the ceiling. You just have to accept the quirks of residential colleges — the bouts of black mold, insect infestations, flammable-prone overcrowded lounges and kitchens that have not been renovated in ages but desperately need to or they will keep setting off the fire alarm. These eccentricities are inevitable. But hey, who doesn’t like ladybugs making a home in your overhead lights? They are very adorable.
Anyways, if you are interested in experiencing the privilege of having the University as a landlord, apply today! Despite the countless grievances their residents may spout, they could not imagine living anywhere else during their time at the University. One does not want to miss out on living in one of these supportive and rich environments — rich in the sense of community of course, not budget.
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