Editor's note: This article is a humor column.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA — The Cavalier Republic, previously known as the University of Virginia, has declared itself an independent nation and hinted at plans to annex the City of Charlottesville as part of its territorial holdings. This announcement comes just ahead of the commencement of the Olympic Games where the Republic sees a chance to capitalize on its previous dominance in the collegiate sports realm and bring said dominance to the global athletic stage.
To assert its identity and validity at the upcoming Olympics, the Republic plans to bring many of its long-standing athletic traditions to Paris. Among these traditions that the Republic has promised to bring is the iconic horse entrance at football games. This iconic entrance will be featured at the opening ceremonies, giving it some much-deserved media attention that this year's upcoming 8 p.m. Virginia football games just don’t promise.
Many Republic citizens are excited to see these traditions play out abroad and have responded with approval.
"I think it will just be surreal to cheer on so many Cavaliers achieving lifelong dreams," second-year University student Olympia Gams said. "I hope that when a Cavalier takes the podium fans abroad get the memo to awkwardly look around at the strangers next to them when the ‘Good Ol Song' begins playing."
While many Republic citizens have reacted positively to the participation in the Olympic Games, logistical questions about sovereignty remain. One of the biggest concerns surrounds the compensation of athletes in the new nation. While NCAA athletes can make money through NIL deals, universities cannot directly compensate players. However, as a nation, the Republic will separate from the NCAA and thus, will be able to compensate their athletes who for years have worked just as hard as professionals while completing coursework.
"Becoming a Republic athlete and student is a financial commitment," incoming first-year track athlete Golda Medalson said. "The compensation will allow me to work towards a priceless degree rather than just relying on athletics to collect six grams of gold at the Olympics."
Many Republic NARPs — nonathletic regular people — also enthusiastically support the compensation.
"Getting to a class that's not between the hours of 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. is hard enough," fourth year Mary Dillard said. "Students that show up to lectures on top of their sports deserve to be paid, even if it is in Flex Dollars."
Obscure Olympic rules guarantee that the Republic will also be able to claim the winnings of Cavaliers who are no longer on Grounds, such as tennis Olympians Emma Navarro and Danielle Collins. By harnessing its strong alumni connections, the Republic will gain from both current and former citizens and experience at least short-term economic stability.
While the Republic hasn't spoken on how it will sustain itself long-term, rumors have pointed towards a commemorative gesture for alumni that donate extra, such as unlimited access to the heavily sought after Runk omelet station. It is also worth noting that alumni who represent the Cavalier Republic at the Olympics will be rewarded for their contributions by being removed from donation email chains.
One concern raised by Republic members is how some of the Republic's recent successes have been in non-Olympic sports — the illustrious club pickleball team was national champions in 2023 and even the lesser known "quadball" team made it to the Final Four of their national championships this year.
With fourteen Cavaliers who qualified for the Olympics and Paralympics under the United States, though, the Republic’s roster is already stocked. Specifically, members of the Republic can look forward to the women's swimming competition. The U.S. women's Olympic team roster will lose out on numerous chances at the podium, as the roster was 25 percent Virginia Cavaliers.
"Just draw a Venn diagram with 'U.S. Olympic Qualifier' on one side and 'Cavalier' on the other if you doubt the dominance of Cavalier swimming," fourth-year swim superfan Charlotte Jefferson said.
Although this monumental decision may have come out of the left field of Disharoon Park, it complements the recent announcement of the construction of an Olympic Sports Center by JPJ as part of the Republic's athletic “Master Plan." This new cutting-edge center for student-athletes will support the future success of the Republic’s Olympians — the four current recreation centers are enough for the NARPs.
Many in the Charlottesville community are already embracing their new nationality. Celebration swept through Grounds upon the announcement. The dining halls held all-night parties that contrasted with their usual strict 8 p.m. closures, and the Newcomb Chick-Fil-A remained open on a Sunday. The festivities continued down around the Corner where even residents of The Standard and The Flats came out of hiding for the sale of new Mincer's merch. The celebration reached to the far ends of the Downtown Mall for a collective mumbled performance of the "Good Ol’ Song" at Ting Pavilion.
Only time will tell what lies ahead for the Cavalier Republic, but the team's results in Paris will be a sign of what is to come for the future of Republic sports success.
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