BREAKING — U.Va. implements “Days Off the Lawn” for sheltered students - The Cavalier Daily - University of Virginia's Student Newspaper

Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.

In an attempt to broaden students’ horizons, the University announced a new initiative — “Days Off the Lawn.” A reverse take on the University’s annual “Days on the Lawn,” the new “Days Off the Lawn” will transport sheltered and spoiled first years out of the bubble of Grounds and, more importantly, away from any prospective students who they might dissuade from attending the University.

While the University Transit Service and Charlottesville Area Transit Buses all exist to take students away from the two square miles of Grounds, few students actually use them. Moreover, many have cited the recent police crackdown on Veos and electric scooters as a reason for their continued unwillingness to leave Grounds.

Furthermore, complaints from workers at meal exchange locations on Grounds further proved the increasing entitlement of students and created momentum for the initiative. Specifically, many employees voiced their frustration with students ordering hours ahead of time and never saying thank you.

“Ever since we turned off manual check in, every day has been a nightmare. Not worth it for managing a restaurant the size of Edgar Allan Poe’s closet,” West Range manager Phil Brooks said.

But taking students from GrubHub lines to real-life ones outside of Grounds posed its own obstacles. To counteract students’ refusal to leave, University President Jim Ryan’s administration has proposed “Days Off the Lawn.” In an email sent to the student body, President Ryan details the program’s rollout.

“First years — who are not allowed cars — will be routinely and peacefully kidnapped between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m. from common last minute studying locations such as the Georges Student Center in Clemons Library and the Brown Library stacks,” Ryan said. “If any stragglers are in the Old Dorms and Observatory Hill quads, ambassadors will be deployed to locate them as well.”

After being kidnapped, students will be sedated and then dropped off at locations around the city of Charlottesville for the duration of the day.

While Ryan’s email outlined the new program, it was not enough to prevent the proposal from being clowned by the University’s student-run Barstool account on Instagram.

“What do you mean students will be ‘peacefully’ sedated with elephant tranquilizers that are concocted ‘daily’ in Newcomb Hall to ensure ‘freshness?’ At least let them be made at Runk,” the Univerity’s Barstool account said in the caption of a picture of moldy pizza.

To make up for educational absences, “Days Off the Lawn” will generously provide students’ professors with a range of ChatGPT auto-generated email excuses for missing class.

“I’m not mad about missing bioengineering,” second-year Engineering student Ben Gon said. “But having an email sent to my professor telling them I had a doctor's appointment because I tried to do a backflip and broke my ankle? Too much detail.”

“I mean, I don’t mind students escaping the Central Grounds bubble once in a while,” History Prof. Arm MacDougal, Ph.D. said. “But receiving an automated message from the University with a student’s name and ‘sorry prof my dog ate my homework. Lol.’ as an excuse for missing class? I haven’t given assignments using paper in fifteen years.”

Although many feel that “Days Off the Lawn” is ethically questionable, results from a secretly conducted pilot session of the program are promising — students dropped off on the Downtown Mall reported coming back relaxed and enlightened once they realized they were still in the state of Virginia and not in an overgrown colonial village.

Another group dropped in the Emmet Street area bordering US-250 were overwhelmed both by the mass of cars and the existence of a second Bodo’s location, leaving many in a state of permanent shock. Participating students were amazed to discover that bagels do, indeed, taste the same, even if they are located near a major highway.

“It was crazy,” first-year College student Bo Doe said. “I think I even saw a Raising Cane’s across the street. Maybe it’s a local chain or something?”

However, the pilot session was not without flaws — one stray group found themselves left in a pile of pine needles off of a trail leading to Humpback Rock. Luckily, no one was injured.

“We did somersault the entire way down as most of the path up is literally just mud and loose rocks,” first year College student Summer Salts said, “but at least the randos who watched us fall weren’t parents of incoming first years.”

Another group left at the Lewis Mountain estate, known for its blue and orange lights visible from Brown Residential College, felt similarly unsettled.

“I swore that it was Monticello,” second-year Engineering student Stan Down said. “Like I started looking for an entrance until the owner told me to get off their lawn.”

In order to prevent underclassmen anticipating their kidnappings, dates for the official program have not been announced.

Although “Days Off the Lawn” anticipates a controversial rollout, University administration has remained committed to the program's potential to broaden students’ horizons beyond Grounds. Well, at least beyond the Barracks Road Harris Teeter. Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.