If you asked me about turning 20, having to pay renter’s insurance or no longer going to the pediatrician for my annual checkups a year ago, I would have laughed at these milestones that seemed lightyears away. Yet as one month stands before me and going back to Charlottesville for my second-year, the concept of “adulthood” and the fact that childhood is a thing of the past is becoming dauntingly clear. This summer, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on who I am, who I have been and who I may become. Despite the looming uncertainty of the future, this summer has given me grace and time to learn to embrace change and grow.
I had no idea what to expect of my first summer as a college student. Last summer was full of goodbyes and graduation parties, big trips to the beach with my high school friends and promises to keep in touch. Of course, many of these promises were naive, and as the months passed and priorities changed, so did my hometown connections.
In May, I returned to Pennsylvania and entered a much quieter summer than what I was used to. My routine became going to the gym, working and seeing the same three friends on rotation. I bought a bed frame for my apartment and haggled with strangers on Facebook Marketplace for a good deal on furniture. I scrolled through Instagram for easy meal prep ideas and bookmarked internship applications for the school year.
I felt busy but in a different way. While my concerns over the summer in years past revolved around friendships, parties and short-term goals, I now suddenly felt the pressure of the long-term future looming over me. What will my major be? Do I have enough on my resume? Do I know what I want to do after college? I used to think that I would be a teenager forever, and now as I approach my twenties, time seems to slip through my fingers.
It’s weird to think about the places where I spent 18 years of my life as now being the venue for reunions and seasonal breaks from school. Coming back to my hometown for the first time since winter break taught me that time moves on — with or without me. There were new buildings I had never seen before and the neighborhood kids were all grown up.
I felt a bit sad, of course. My phone periodically reminds me of “This day one year ago” or “Summer 2022,” and I go through a spiral of wishing I savored those moments a bit more. There is always an underlying anxiety behind losing touch with people you once swore to be your “best friends forever.” My social circle at home has shrunk, inevitably, and I no longer say hi to the girl I sat next to in AP Biology when I see her at Target.
This used to be my biggest fear — I didn’t want to have so much free time. I wanted to go to big parties, have a full schedule and always have the same friend group for life. Three months into summer, however, have made me realize that I am perhaps the happiest I’ve been. Accepting change — in other people, myself and life in general — altered my perspective.
I am content with no longer being the same, and I am grateful for the friends who stayed with me into adulthood. While it’s bittersweet to talk about childhood as something that has passed, I am grateful to be able to reflect on such moments with a smile. Of course, I am still unsure of the future and of how my relationships and life will end up, but I’m no longer afraid of confronting change.
High school is no longer a month ago or a year ago. Soon, it will almost be August, then almost Thanksgiving, then almost winter break, and before I know it, I’ll be a third-year — and that’s okay. Despite the worries I had a year ago of venturing into a new state and meeting new people, things worked out. In fact, things have always worked out — no matter how much they plagued me in the moment.
The friendships that I have maintained, the comfort of my childhood bedroom and my mother’s cooking are reminders that home truly is where the heart is. Home doesn’t mean having the same friends or living the same life forever. Rather, it’s where I feel loved and who I feel loved by. So as an adult, or at least one on paper, I’m embracing these last few moments at this home. And when I return to Grounds, I’ll embrace that home. Home is not stagnant, and neither are we.
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